22 01 2003

being in love doesn’t stop it from happening.
which i knew, intuitively, and from some permutations of previous experience, although i was never quite in the situation i’m in now.

when i was dating the boyfriends i used to have, and would start crushing on their friends, or my friends, or my exes, it was usually a sign that something was amiss where i was–either something was lacking in them/us, or i was pulling away, not putting in what i wanted to be, and then chasing after what i thought was somewhere else (although, of course, HAVING that something else would have been just as lacking if i was the one not all the way in).

when i was with roger and crushing on my co-worker, (or my exes) it wasn’t even a SIGN–i already knew things were fscked up, i was just being stubbornly retarded about that. meaning either “not having a high iq” or just “slow.” either way.

but there are other crushes too, the ones that don’t tempt you to leave anybody because you don’t really WANT the people you’re crushing on… you just want to crush on them. you like how it feels when they smile at you, but you don’t want to have that smile all the time–you like it because it’s rare, and unexpected. you like it because it DOESN’T belong to you. or the ones where you wouldn’t even touch the person if you could, maybe wouldn’t even talk to them if the opportunity arose–you just want to admire them, and enjoy the windfall of being the one there to do the admiring.

i don’t think anything’s wrong with ty and i. and i certainly don’t think i’m lacking anything–received or given–that i could better find in anyone else, let alone in the specific objects of my crushes.

nonetheless, there are these crushes.

there’s a young man we’ll call seth, because that’s not his name, who i see a lot at work, and out with my friends, who’s very flirty and entertaining, who knows all he has to do is catch my eye to make me laugh even if i have no idea what the joke is, who does friendship very physically and always has a punch for me if we pass in the hall, or an arm around my waist or shoulder if he’s drunk out at the bar. seth is a puppy. he’s playful, silly, nuzzly, funny, and sometimes he’s too drunk and stupid, although he still smiles awfully cutely when he’s stupid. he’s also a writer and thinker and a teacher and a music-appreciator and a reader of great books. he’s not a feather-head, but he plays one on t.v. i can’t imagine dating seth. not, like “i can’t imagine leaving ty for seth,” but more “i can’t imagine ever dating seth, under any circumstances.” the playing-one-on-t.v. would drive me crazy. and the drunken stupidness. and lots of other things, i’m sure, that i don’t even know about him.
but i always want to know if he’s in his office or not, and i look for excuses to talk to him (idiot), and i’m really bummed that he already has other plans for spring break than the ones my friends and i are trying to make. i’ve only known seth for a couple of months, and i realize that most of what draws me to him is how unnervingly he reminds me of a boy i spent a good six years wishing on and crying over. it’s not really HIM. but then he smiles at me.

and then there’s james (not his name either; i do know a james, who totally isn’t who i’m talking about). james is an alcoholic, although he’s rarely a public drunk, and when he is drunk in public, he’s not demonstrative about it. james is a toucher. he’s all about backrubs at barstools and always an arm around me and cheek-kisses and very intense eyes. i know the pattern of the folds that will some day grow into wrinkles around them. they’re the kind you stare at like that. i sense mysticism in james, although i think he only very rarely suspects it’s in there. he’s carrying a lot of pain, a lot of darkness, and of course i’m drawn toward that because i want to heal everyone, but i hang back from it too, i did even when i was single. i could affect it, but not end it. i’m not the one. still, he knows words of power that were important to me in my childhood that noone else seems to know. he has very smooth skin, in pretty colors; he has beautiful tatoos. but it’s mostly that mystic thing.

seth doesn’t have a mystic bone in his body. some cartilage, maybe. he can find four-leaf clovers as easily as i can, but he explains that in terms of geometry. the potential james has that he doesn’t know about pulls my attention magnetically around rooms he’s in. which is highly irritating when i’m trying to attend to anything else.

fortunately, for me, because it limits the trouble i can get myself into, because i don’t need ANY, and because i’d regret it if i had it, and for them, because they don’t need it either, they’re both either involved or about to be: james is finally dating a girl he’s been thinking about dating forever–and more shock-trauma: she actually likes me! seth is interested in my coworker leah (not her name either), who’s also interested in him, and is just about willing to admit she’d like to do something about that. halleluiah.

the other reason i know i’m not in any real danger: i’m happier about the both of them now that there are other girls in the picture. talking to leah about seth is fun. talking to seth about leah… i haven’t tried yet, but i imagine it being quite entertaining. and the thing i love most about james in the whole world is what i learned when he started bringing his girlfriend out with the gang–he’s one of those amazingly rare, amazingly wonderful men who can get involved with a woman without ceasing to treat me like one–he’s still exactly james, and i’m still exactly me; he doesn’t act psycho around me because of her, and she doesn’t get psycho when he puts his snug little arms around me. the fact that she and i can talk about how cute his butt is when he’s throwing darts and not paying attention is just a bonus. 🙂

for all of this, i frolic. i admit, i was a little afraid that this Serious Commitment thing would take the flirt and the fun out of my social life. and i was afraid that wanting flirt and fun would make me uncomfortable about the serious. i don’t need to get into anything with seth or james. i just want what i already have, the grins and the hand-squeezes and the laughter across the table sometimes that nobody else around us gets… that’s plenty.

it makes me want to giggle like an anime chick. which i can’t do… which is probably a good thing; i can’t imagine that’s good for the adult vocal chord.
but still, the want is there.

tell everybody i love them.

and to those of you who think it’s fun to tempt me: thanks. 🙂




One response

24 01 2003

giggling like an anime chick rules! 🙂 glad you are having fun. crushes fine. 🙂 It’s nice when everyone gets along!
many hugs!
love you

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