paper cut-outs of any day and any story

13 01 2004

let’s say that you have this friend, right? and you really like this person, and for a while you have a lot in common, and then years go by and you have less and less that’s specifically in common-common, but you still like the person, and care about the person, and consider the person to be a good friend, and at least every month or two or three or four you call this person up and have a chat.
and then let’s say that this person does something weird on you like, i dunno, get all serious about an s.o. and decide that this is THE ONE which, if you’re a potentially-sexually-compatible set of friends to begin with, might add a little weirdness to your relationship, but it’s a pretty normal and to-be-expected circumstance, and you can’t really complain, since a) you know the person is great, so you had to figure that sooner or later someone else would notice, and b) you never made any moves your own self, not in all the years you were friends, so it’s not like there are ex-issues or anything going on. maybe you had a bit of a crush and never did anything about it. but for like 15 years of not-doing-anything-about-it, it obviously wasn’t MUCH of a crush.
and then let’s say that you didn’t particularly like the way you found out about the ONE, but you talked to your friend, and you guys worked it out, and everything was basically okay, if a little… sore, maybe. in need of kindness and smoothing.
why, then, might you, instead of participating in any kinds of smoothing, stop returning your friend’s calls, respond only very rarely to attempts at contact with bitchy e-mails, and then send some melodramatically faux-casual e-mail to say that you’ve had a change of heart and you’d rather that this person a) not bother being a part of YOUR wedding, which you’d asked this person over a year ago to do, and b) not to bother bringing the ONE along when the person has to fly across four states to get to this wedding, because you really don’t know the ONE that well, and really don’t care to, either.

why would you be like this with someone you’ve been friends with for 15 years? why would you not return your friend’s calls for 9 months and then send this snotty e-mail making it sound like it’s the friend’s fault and not yours that you haven’t been close lately? why, when you’re the one who hasn’t returned 9 months worth of phone calls, do you phrase the “please don’t bother being in my wedding” thing as a punishment for the person’s terrible friend-ing?

and if you’re having all these ridiculous issues about somebody you’ve cared about for this long, why the hell wouldn’t you just CALL the person to talk about it? >sigh< people make no sense to me. and girl-people make even less sense to me than boy-people, most of whom, in my experience anyway, would find the above scenario exhausting and would never have gone to that much trouble to be difficult about prolonging the being difficult. or something. and y’all wonder why i do better w/men.

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14 responses

13 01 2004
raeoftirgat

*HUGS* if you need to talk call……

14 01 2004
tyra

thanks, chica. (do i even have your #?) it’s actually not MY problem, so it’s not weighing me down so much as annoying me just by its… similarity to other things. i’ve put up w/so much of this behavior in my lifetime that it’s hard not to be just as irritated when i DON’T really care if the girl in question comes up with anything nice to say or not. i just want to grab her mouth and move her jaws up and down until words relaying the actual issue to the actual person to whom it matters come out. >sigh<

13 01 2004
metalmonkey

that sounds…
…complicated. dang. forget that nonsense. you’ve friends that love and appreceate you just as you are and have demonstrated that time and again. ..and some of the friends of friends that are just waiting for a free weekend to drive to syracuse to visit. ;p

14 01 2004
tyra

Re: that sounds…
i think that’s a great idea! both ideas. 2 ideas. the “forget that nonsense” one, b/c, really, if people want to dig their own mud-holes and then wallow in them, it really shouldn’t bother me, and there’s nothing i can do about it anyway, except wish the world were full of slightly-more-together (or at least more honest w/themselves and others) people. AND the “drive to syracuse to visit” one. WOO-HOO!!! i do hope, though, that you consider yourself a “friend” and not a “friend of friend.” b/c we do like YOU, you know, not just you-who-are-the-guy-who-makes-b-smile-a-lot. 🙂

13 01 2004
bluemeg

sounds poopy.
girl-people should not invite people to be part of their wedding and then treat them snotty. Bleh to them.
i think you’re a great friend! *hugs*

14 01 2004
tyra

thank you. i try my best. sometimes, i try it all the way to maui. 🙂
i’m actually NOT the victim in this story, thankfully. i’m just a patient observer who’d kind of like to strangle the protagonist. MUCH more than she wants (no matter what she THINKS she has against me) to strangle me. b/c she’s being a brat to my baby and making him sad, and i hate that. gr.

14 01 2004
bluemeg

i thought it might be that, tell him he’s great too!

13 01 2004
pictsy

eep, brainwashing! or aliens!

14 01 2004
tyra

see, yeah. that’s a conclusion i’m trying NOT to leap to, if only b/c, however satisfying it might be, i’m sure there would be negative repercussions to settling the drama with a blaster. 🙂

14 01 2004
cheshirrrecat

why, and my 2 million cents
she’s jealous. she has always liked him, even though she has never actually had the balls to admit it to him or probably completely even to herself. she’s projecting her issues onto him and being passive aggressive at him instead of taking a hard look at How she Feels, and what the True Crux of the Issue is. she’s insecure, and probably has a need for the spotlight to always be on her, in some way or another, to assuage that insecurity; she is threatened not only by you, but by any other female in his life (hell, she was threatened by me at the wedding, and she didnt even know me). she is Not a Balanced person–she is struggling with a lot of issues in her head, and he has become a focal point for a lot of them–even though a lot of it isnt actually about him. she cant call becuase that would require her to first Recognize and be able to take a Rational look at the situation and make a Logical choice. she is Not able to do that Where she Is right now.
none of this excuses or makes ok any part of what she’s doing, or who she is being. but it is (if i am right) an insight into why things are happening the way they are, and possible resultant choices for courses of action. one of those possible courses of action (and the one that makes the most sense to me, and is of course, the Hardest…) is for him to walk away. there can be no rational discourse with her where she is, nor any sort of logical course of action to take to work this through. where she is, right now, does not lend itself to anything rational. she has to work through a lot of things, on her own, before she is able to meet him halfway and work through this as a Friend. and it is Unfortunately Entirely possible that she may never get to that point, and that he may have to make his Peace with the two of them Truly Parting Ways. doesnt mean he has to stop Loving her, or Loving what they had together. but it does mean there has to be a Hard Realistic Look at What Is.
he Deserves better than to be treated with such Disrepect. thats not what people that Love each other do. we all know how Much it Hurts to lose a best friend–or to have to Choose to walk away when a relationship is not healthy. but we also all Know, in our hearts, that that is sometimes the Only Way.
Much Love to you both.

14 01 2004
tyra

Re: why, and my 2 million cents
>sigh<
you’re probably right, although i’d like to think you’re not, that she’s not HOPELESSLY irrational, just habitually, and that maybe if HE stands up and insists that the bush-beating end, she’ll participate. he’s been trying to decide what to say back to this shitty e-mail she sent (it’s worse than i said up there, too, but i didn’t want to spill his and her personal beans all over the internet), and having long moments of pondering about word choice and format. i think he ought to call her, every day until she either talks to him like a normal human or e-mails him to tell him not to bother, in which case it would be her goodbye and something she couldn’t dump on his head later on… mostly not because i’d want to force that end, though, but b/c i feel like e-mailing her BACK will just be perpetuating an argument that’s been carried out too distantly and impersonally (and uselessly, since she hasn’t yet addressed anything that’s ACTUALLY bothering her) for too long already.
jealousy is stupid. she should be jealous of me if i keep her from talking to him or being close to him or having some part of him she used to have by gatekeeping or whatever, and then i have it and she doesn’t. but i do nothing of the sort, and she was engaged first, by far, and i’ve been nothing but facilitative in their being friends, so, really. gr. >sigh<
you say sage and kind and gentle things. i assume once he’s graded some papers and gotten some work done, he’ll read them. 🙂

15 01 2004
cheshirrrecat

Re: why, and my 2 million cents
one of the things my mother has drilled into my head is that “you can’t argue with a crazy person.” no amount of anything ty can say or do can turn her around or open her eyes. she is going to have to come to that on her own time, in her own terms. anything he says or does at this point is still going to be seen and heard and understood using the filters that she has that are distorting things so terribly.
i think he should walk away. as Hard, and Awful and Painful as that is. maybe write her a letter–say all the things he Needs to say, get it Right, Make it Right by him, and let go of caring what her reaction to it will be. im not sure she will Hear on the phone. and a letter could be there later for her to read and Understand for real when/if she came around. but, ultimately, he must do what he Feels is Right, and none of my speculating and ideas matter. and Hopefully, he knows that we (not to be presume to be anywhere near your level) will Love and back him No Matter What.
jealousy is stupid. but it is a valid emotion to have (not an admirable one, or a balanced one, in my opinion). but truly, it is only a symptom of a greater problem.
you two are Lucky man to have each other. this chic needs to get her head out of her ass and Realize how Lucky she is to have Someone like him as a Friend.
Love….

14 01 2004
pdxstraycat

Re: why, and my 2 million cents
Thanks, babe. You’re right in some ways, a little off in others. She and I dated once, sort of, in that awkward and fumbling 14-y-o way. I’ve known for a long time that she has harbored delusions that we would eventually get married. I mistakenly added to them 10 or so years ago when we make a “death’s day pact” and agreed to marry each other if neither one of us was serious about a person by her 30th b-day, which is 4 months after mine. She announced her engagement and wedding, then I trumped her with tyratae’s and mine, which happened about 2 weeks before my 30th. We didn’t really talk about it much, and I’ve long since stopped talking with her about my love life as that is just too far off base. This is all stuff I know and have chosen to deal with at the unfortunate times when it reared its ugly head. What is sad is the devolution into not communicating, mostly because I think she really doesn’t know how to with me anymore.
What’s shitty about it is that she referred to tyratae as “your wife” in the “is not invited to attend” section of the e-mail. *pause to let you go ballistic* It’s quite disrepectful to rob tyratae of an identity, and to do it for the psychological reasons you pointed to. I’m sure there will be more to this story (there always is), but that’s the state of affairs right now.
–TR

15 01 2004
cheshirrrecat

Re: why, and my 2 million cents
see, thats just Not Fucking Cool. (to not address tyra as a Person…). but it fits with how i see her Being. it sounds like shes competing with the library of congress for who has the most issues.
i’d like to give her the benefit of the doubt (but not any respect or credit) and believe that there are things (Wiring, Perspectives, Perceptions) in her head that are not horribly balanced and healthy right now. but, there is an even worse possibility that she has just Gone Bad and become Mean. who knows why–who ever knows. but it is possible. and if that is the case, you need to get as far away from her as possible. but i Know what kind of Decision that would be for you.
ultimately, i still stand by the thought that she “simply” Needs to work through a lot of things–a lot of which involve you, and a lot of which originated well before you. and you can still stand by her in your heart and love her and care for her til death’s day. but you cannot allow her to treat you this way–to abuse you and your love this way. to Disrespect you and tyra this way.
you are an Incredibly Powerful person, ty. Realize that you have the Strength and the Knowledge and the Love to deal with this in whatever way you Must.

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