f**k a duck.

2 06 2004

things that make me feel guilty and aggravated:
1) innocent inquiries that let me know just how ineffective my efforts to fix things really are sometimes.
2) indirect reminders of people i love very much and haven’t talked to in almost 6 months for no reason whatsoever, even when they actually go to the trouble to write me snail mail that apparently i can’t be arsed to answer.
3) looking up somebody’s e-mail address and in the process scrolling by the addresses of 3 other people i REALLY MEANT to write to 2 months ago, 4 months ago, 8 months ago, which i’ve somehow managed to ignore EVERY DAY since then (some 240 days, mathily, isn’t that fantastic?)
4) the cat-hair all over the house that i swore i was going to clean up before i got sucked into this machine, b/c there are people coming over later (at least that’s the theory) whom i don’t even know, and they don’t need to see a messy, nasty house. plus i HATE when people come over and get all red-eyed and sneezy and have to leave just b/c i’m a terrible housekeeper.
5) chickening out of breaking into houses.
6) spending “all day” (on and off mostly btw being online farking around) yesterday trying to do school work and succeeding in taking notes on less than 1 chapter of 1 book. i used to know how to do this! (caring helped)
7) the subject of this later mental meander
8) all the shit i used to give people for trying to be nice to me, and talking sweet to me, and buying me flowers and birthday presents, when i was too god-damned self-centered to shut UP about my own self-worth issues and listen to them trying to say that being nice to me made THEM feel good.
9) having still not called aaric to apologize for how long it’s been since i’ve called him.
10) failing (shut up. it’s true. i can tell) to be supportive enough of the things people i love do that i wish they wouldn’t do, so that when they make choices i’d rather have discouraged but didn’t, they still fade away instead of calling me to be proud of what they’ve accomplished, because they can tell, and they don’t think i’d rather know they were happy at it than forget.
11) wasting time and energy writing whiny lists of things that aggravate me instead of getting off my ass and doing something about the do-something-about-able ones. talk about needing to build a bridge. jesus.

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29 responses

2 06 2004
reedrover

5) chickening out of breaking into houses.
Umm…..

2 06 2004
tyra

it actually means exactly what it says. but when you question it, b/c it’s you, i get to thinking about all the ways it COULD have been metaphorical and thus very interesting. when i’m in a slightly better mood, maybe i’ll write the poem. πŸ™‚ (b/c if i do it when i’m feeling morbid, it’ll be an exercise of the obvious-stick, and those are embarrasing and no fun at all to read)

2 06 2004
bluemeg

things
re: your post title: AFFLAAAAAAC!
7) sorry. this one seems to happen alot.
11) sometimes it helps to get them all lined up out there, then they are easier to deal with.
*hug*

2 06 2004
tyra

Re: things
aflack my patootie. you’re a nut-ball. r.e. #7 i know. i think it’s pathalogical, and i need a little shock-therapy or something to forget about it. since it’s completely, totally, continually, always irrelevant. it just needles at me by feeling a little unbalanced somehow, which is how it’s always going to be, b/c i’m sure i did him wrong, and i’m also sure he’s so far over it that anything i tried to do or say would just be irritating. probably i’m just a masochist, and when immediate things are okay, i go look for older scars to poke at. idiot. πŸ™‚

2 06 2004
bluemeg

Re: things
sometimes you feel like a nut! some times you don’t! Almond joy’s got nuts…. πŸ™‚
ah sweetheart… sounds like sometime for self forgiveness.
remember those Sharon Shinn books we got at McKays? the ones with angels on the cover? they were excellent. in fact everything i’ve since read by her was good. I especially enjoyed “Summer’s at Castle Auburn” When you’re feeling un motivated with school work… give it a go!

2 06 2004
tyra

Re: things
i’ll have to snag yours when i’m down week-after-next, then. too bad we can’t e-mail books to lend each other as easily as links to websites everybody should check out or quizzes they should try!
and yes, probably. why that’s so hard i’ve never understood, but not understanding it doens’t make it any LESS hard. >sigh<

2 06 2004
bluemeg

Re: things
that one i got from the lib, but i can lend you the angel ones! look forward to seeing you!
true enough.
this broccoli quiche is not very tasty.

2 06 2004
rumhann

Bark!
Um – #1) I really don’t have any clue as to how effective things were or weren’t since I haven’t seen any evidence in , oh . . . three months?
#8) that’s been ‘brigded’ hasn’t it? so leave it alone =;-}
#10) can’t change the past, so buld that bridge and start over πŸ™‚
#11) *shnuggles*
SM

2 06 2004
tyra

Re: Bark!
1) i’m just maximizing the complaining/worrying/fussing from that e-mail interaction by posting about it in this forum too. don’t worry about it (any more than usual)
8) not if it–me, and my broken way of doing things–taught people things horrible lessons about how/why to/not to do nice things for people that they’re still trying to unlearn and paying for in ways we’d never have predicted (and i didn’t care enough to try) at the time.
10) right. i know. you’re right. only if i don’t know how i did it–how my trying to do it right fell short–how can i start over any differently?
11) thank you. πŸ™‚

2 06 2004
rumhann

Re: Bark!
Who said anything about modifing what was done before, just start over from scratch now, with all your new info.
SM

2 06 2004
west_wind

hi
Reading your journals helps give me a different perspective with which to view life. Even reading the responses and advice you give other people gives me a different and valuable perspective. You touch more people than you think you do.

2 06 2004
tyra

Re: hi
thanks, t!

2 06 2004
raeoftirgat

since metal monkey won’t let me post…
can we have build-a-bridge week? some of us are a bit slower (stubborn) than others and our bridge builders move a little slower ;>

2 06 2004
tyra

Re: since metal monkey won’t let me post…
i’m all over it!
lj ought to have a friends-of-friends function, so you could limit access and still hear from people who are only a step or two away…

3 06 2004
raeoftirgat

Re: since metal monkey won’t let me post…
your the best, i can’t wait to see you in july!
BIG HUGS!

2 06 2004
cheshirrrecat

#8.
yes. oh my yes.
we *both* NEED to Remember that, dont we.
i Love you, grrl.

2 06 2004
cheshirrrecat

and as for houses, sometimes discretion is the better choice. you have to live there, and it wouldnt have been worth fucking up anything real. if its still an option, we’ll do it next time. i’ll bring the camoflauge and night goggles and a tape player with the mission impossible theme playing on it. ;}
*kiss*

2 06 2004
aaric

lists…
I have to touch the Branco comment first… the problem (I think) has always been that his caring comes and goes in waves… when he’s at peak caring you like that & think he should be that way all the time… and when he’s at low tide you wonder if what happened before was a mirage at the same time that you’re trying to polish away & get “below the surface” to caring-Geof. At various times he both cares (really) & doesn’t care (really)… and the inconsistency doesn’t make sense to you. Learn to stand independent of him at low tide (you can feel the ground) and learn to float in his ocean when he’s at high tide.
And we can feel miserable about not calling people together… since your latest email made me look through my inbox & realize that I have “really important” emails that have been sitting for months… grrr…

2 06 2004
tyra

Re: lists…
the cutest thing we do, esp. w/regard to waves and tides, is remain stubbornly indifferent to the passage of time. geof hasn’t had a tide of anything that had anything to do with me–that i even knew was HAPPENING–in at least 3 years. probably more like 4. but just because i don’t have a box for “past” to separate its pieces from the ones in “present” doesn’t (really, it doesn’t! i know i ACT like it does, but it doesn’t!) mean that other people can even remember/re-imagine whatever it is i’m still retardedly worked up about.
“learn to think of him as a high school boyfriend and not a part of my life/member of my social sphere”–which he isn’t–might be a good first step!

2 06 2004
ranagar

First – I expressly forbid you to fornicate with ducks! As their sworn champion and protector, I beg of thee, restrain thyself, elst I shall be forced to restraineth thou!
5) Yeah! It’s fun! Silly chicken! πŸ˜‰
7) Jeez, sometimes it makes me think I should have blown you off that hard so that 8 years later I could have been mildly nice to you and had your unquestioned devotion and dedication for the rest of my life!
8) Yeah, well some of us (and no, I don’t have a frog in my pocket nor will I name names like the one who’s tires should have been slashed once did) never bothered to figure out how to say thank you in a way that made you feel thanked. Don’t beat yourself up over our stubborn refusal to bend from our misguided expectations. The thing is that you WERE nice, still are nice, and we do appreciate it.
10) … and I’ve been building really cool stuff with power tools…

2 06 2004
tyra

ok, i definitely didn’t mean THOSE ducks. (::pulls on string to make ducks dive-bomb the living-room::)
5) w/better planning, or a more conducive schedule, i’d have been there. or maybe just a different relative timing for the occurances of drinking and lucid moments of responsibility.
7) shut the FUCK up.
8) thank you. see, i’m learning.
10) that actually had almost nothing to do w/you when i wrote it, although i can certainly see where it could/should have. i was bemoaning rex, of all people/circumstances, and a few other conversations i’ve had w/folks i adore about their similarly-minded consideration of military careers.
tangentially, ironically, bizarrely, i think the only person i ever had that conversation with supportively and convincingly ENOUGH was geof branco.

2 06 2004
ranagar

Would you believe that I don’t know where those ducks are anymore? I think they flew away during the last move.
5) Let’s not introduce the concept of you drinking into the “what if’s” of our past, at least not this publicly – deal?
7) Tease! πŸ˜›
8) pat, pat. I’d offer you a bisket, but you might bite my hand! (Well, at least my sense of humor hasn’t changed!)
10) We have talked enough, for long enough, that I didn’t think it was about me. We’ve dealt with those things (over and over and over… again).
And you wonder why your boys were always paranoid about him?

2 06 2004
tyra

pardon the momentary intrusion of my rude, nasty out-loud voice, but i have no trouble at ALL believing that your plastic ducks were “lost” in the last move.
and while i’m being contrary, my wishing i’d been a more consistent, better friend to somebody i screwed up with is a STUPID reason to be parinoid about him. i didn’t want him BACK, i just wanted not to have lost him so spectacularly and ugly-ly.

2 06 2004
ranagar

Hey now – back off the ducks!
Ok, are we really going to go back 10 years for this one? Let’s leave it at this – it was at least 5 years after the fact when I (and at least 2 other of your college b/f’s) learned what you just managed to put into a single sentence.

2 06 2004
aaric

paranoia
So you’ve given a reason why not to be paranoid about you leaving one b/f for another boy…
But the fact still is that you wanted to be closer to him than you actually were… and I’d say it’s the “I wish I weren’t so distant from him and wish we were closer” thing that generates the most paranoia…

2 06 2004
tyra

Re: paranoia
you might be right. you’re even PROBABLY right. but i don’t have that kind of patience. i never have. i don’t even really know how to dignify that kind of parinoia with a reasonable response, because it seems so bloody unreasonable to me.
christ on toast.
is the idea that (and i know we’re being completely hypothetical or at least historical, and far, far removed from current real life here) i’m supposed to be so OVERWHELMED with fascination for whichever boy i’m with that it’s a relief not to be burdened with any other closeness in my life? would wishing i were closer to my mom or my brother or a girl i used to play hopscotch with cause trauma too, or is it just the coexistance, even if it’s completely imaginary, of more than one possible-penis in the picture that breeds this fever?
it’s ridiculous, whatever it is.
yak.

2 06 2004
aaric

Re: paranoia
I just find that I want to be special in my s.o.’s life… and it’s harder to feel special when that person is experiencing so much intimacy with another person. I tried for many years to pretend that wasn’t the case… and it would be great if most humans weren’t jealous… but I don’t think they are.
I certainly find that there’s a limit to how much closeness I need in my life. Too much closeness & I feel icky… too little and I feel lonely… so there’s a fear that closeness from the ex- will be so fulfilling that you won’t need closeness from the current s.o…
of course, that also involves the faulty assumption that all types of closeness are the same… which clearly they aren’t

3 06 2004
pictsy

I got “fuck a duck” from Leota. weird

14 06 2004
tyra

Re: especially
since leota isn’t supposed to SAY “fuck,” because she’s six years old and refuses to let anybody comb her wild, wild hair.
or is that just in my head, where i don’t have a “past” box? πŸ™‚
(sometimes the ways we know the same people so differently terrifies me, you know that?)

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