::sniff::

15 06 2004

i just talked to my old friend hillary on the phone, and she’s all pregnant, which i totally expected, b/c she had baby-envy HARD when we worked together, back before she was even seriously dating anybody, and she’s been married for about 2 1/2 years now. so, happy hillary. and happy me-for-hillary, b/c she’s SO excited about it, and it’s awesome, and she and her hubby are awesome, and i couldn’t be more thrilled for her and all the fun ahead of her.

i also found out, while talking to her, that esther, another of the girls we worked together with, HAD a baby LAST summer–i hadn’t even heard from anybody that she was pregnant, and she’s already got an almost-year-old daughter. which means i’m WAY the heck out of the loop!!!! esther having a baby is also terrific. when we used to hang, she was married, a little bored, itching for more challenge than work was being, and really looking forward to parenthood when her husband got around to feeling like it–and practicing by being the greatest aunt in the world to her older sister sarah’s adorable kids. so i’m delighted for her too, and for hayden, who i didn’t know existed, especially since hill’s going to try to arrange it so that while i’m home this weekend, i can not only see her but pinch hayden’s adorable cheeks and poke esther’s belly belatedly.

the “sniff” part is because i’m here. because i’m missing hill’s pregnancy, because i missed esther’s, because i’m missing esther’s baby, because i wanted to share these things w/these women whom i REALLY ABSOLUTELY ADORED being with when i was there. and because they’re going to miss mine.

when i do it–whenever i get so lucky–it’s going to be me up here all on my own. and yes, i know ty’s here, and i’m not down-playing the importance of having a partner in the process at ALL. i’ll rave all about it on a daily basis, i’m sure. but it’s the sort of thing that’s supposed to go on in this close-knit nested community of women. and i don’t have one here, i don’t even have the skeletal makings of one here, and i really loved the one i had there with them. i don’t want them to nest w/o me, and i don’t want to be looking forward to nesting without them. >sigh<

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4 responses

16 06 2004
cheshirrrecat

i Wish i could offer you any kind of support or insight on this. but i cant even relate.
all i can do is tell you i Love you, and that i Hope youre able to find Peace in all this somehow.

24 06 2004
tyra

of course you can relate. you think too hard. just b/c you don’t want a squirming pink thing of your own doesn’t mean you don’t know well what it’s like to have on occasion–and miss on other occasions–that circle-of-womanness in which certain rituals and decisions and life-changes ought to take place. & that’s what i was really on about when i wrote this. i want to do it–but i always wanted to do it. that’s not new, or weird, even though it seems determinedly so from where you are! what makes me sad is noticing how i’ve painted myself into a corner here, where if i DO do it when & how i wanted to, i’ll be doing it much more on my own than i’d hoped to…
i promise never to make you change any diapers or say a stinky baby is cute. scouts’ honor. šŸ™‚

18 06 2004
pictsy

“This Woman’s Work” always makes me cry for some reason.
Maybe Syracuse has some kind of grad student parents association where you can become good buddies with other crazy women who are trying to burp their babies and write theory papers at 3am?

24 06 2004
tyra

makes me cry too. and i never really got why, b/c i heard it first in the movie, and the movie’s really stupid. and sad, but in a frustrating way more than a crying one. hm…
as for the baby-burbing, i haven’t found evidence of one yet, although a few of my co-prisoners in the program have little kids too. so bummer–if there was one they’d know, but at least bonus–i’ll have somebody to call & say “is he/she SUPPOSED to do this?” when the burpy baby does something totally bizarre. šŸ™‚

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