happy birthday to me

8 07 2004

a long, rambly reflection on where i am today

reflective position: i’m sitting overlooking the balcony-view of one blacksburg college apartment-complex from another, with the blue-ridge mountain skyline i knew from here 12 years ago, that i watched from the balcony of the apartment i lived in in harrisonburg, that i could see from centreville when i used to drive out there for shitty jobs and too-poignant missed-attempts at ill-timed assignations. the light on the trees here, like the way the stars played out last night across the drillfield in between the warm pools of pink-orange streetlight and the green sparks of fireflies on an apple-crisp breeze, never changes. i fscking love it here. even when they cut trees down on main street, even when the stores move and close and re-arrange, even when there are always too many things being built-in close together, and too many places in town smell like old, tacky beer-spills. even when nobody shows up at the bars when they say they will, even if there’s too much light on the chapel for it to be quite the same, it’s still the same. i’m still the same. here, i’m grounded in a connected sense of past/future and identity. i’ve been several people here too, of course, but at least they know each other. and least they’d get along, and have a smile for when they disagreed. i can’t say that about a lot of the places i’ve wandered through, pitched cardboard tents beside, or dug burrows into hillsides for a while.

things to be joyful for: i’ve had wonderful times, here as elsewhere, and have collected an absolutely fantastic family of friends, who, in addition to BEING amazing, keep smiling at others instead of being insular and protective and so while taking care of their own are always broadening the circle. it’s fantastic. and it’s almost reached critical mass for pushing entirely out the wistfulness for the ones i’ve lost along the way, although it’s not in character for me to ever let completely go of anything. when i’m feeling esoteric about it, i insist that’s because there’s something still–no matter how small and how far removed from who and what they are–that my impressions of them have to teach me. when i’m more blue, i think it’s cuz i’m just a sorry loser, but that’s a whole other conversation, and not a birthday one. taking stock: the inventory’s full, and rich, and brimming with promise.

the reading on the table’s face down. when we got into town two days ago, jules_11 informed me that the impression we’d been given when we left that we’d never be hired here, that we had to go out into the world to get the qualifications and experience that would let us be, wasn’t entirely true. or, rather, was almost entirely not. because a good number of the people from my class, and the one after it, the people i was in classes with when we were told this, now have jobs working here, teaching what i want to teach, doing what i want to do where i want to do it, and the school’s hiring.

i could come home. i don’t need that degree if THIS, which is what i want to do, is doable. and where. and how. i met my friend lisa’s 3-month-old son sawyer yesterday. i could come home and have babies here with lisa. i could teach these students whom i love and know and understand in this place i’d love to be working with people i know and respect and am challenged by.

it would mean losing the house, and we love the house. it would mean moving again, and we hate moving. worst of all, it would mean ty walking out of the chance to get HIS phd, which might (although i do believe that if we could find one back door, we can find another) be the only such chance he’s going to get. and while i really don’t care about MINE anymore, he actually DOES care about his own, and i’d like him to have it. if he wants it. but we could afford to LIVE here, doing what we want to be doing anyway. surrounded by people we like, meeting new ones, not atrophying up there alone anymore. mikel says “i need somebody to share my office with!” and i can’t imagine a happier way to spend worktime… >sigh<

so we're going to swing by school today and check out the comparison between the rumors and the reality. the world could change abruptly. then again, it might not. but we won't know 'til we go.

in other news of goodness: 1) my "baby sister" defended her diss yesterday and i got to hear her advisor call her "dr. jana" while he pulled her hood over her head, and her mommy hugged me and reminded me of people & things i hadn't thought of in forever–she STILL thinks i was a bad girl in hs/college–and gave me her card so i can send her contact info and she can make us stained-glass art, since that's what she does, and she does it really well. imagine displaying it somewhere it wasn't likely to shatter in the windows. 2) my baby brother sent me a birthday e-card this morning that's an interactive video game like the ones we used to play as little kids and of course i'm still no good at it without him and need him here w/his super-sonic thumbs to make it work right b/c i keep crashing into things when i try, but i tried anyway, b/c i love him, and he's so great. anybody else ever have a TI w/the keyboard & cartridge slot & play parsec? 3) i'm still all bouncy b/c vilejynx said we could stay forever. twice. ::bounce, bounce, bounce:: when we got to raleigh, it was hot and muggy and buggy and i thought i’d lose my mind. a week later, the south had settled back into my bones and i was so very much at home. we’re much closer to raleigh here, & much closer to nova, & so it’s homeX3 this morning… 4) AND my baby’s going to continue vilejynx‘s tradition here in a few by making me some birthdaytoast! yay birthdaytoast!

to look forward to today: other than rocking our own world at the department office, with no idea in which direction it might teeter, we’re going out for dinner at backstreets, home of the best tiramisu on earth, with the friends we’re staying with, and my first office-mate here, and her charming husband and the beautiful isabella, who’s really not a baby anymore, and a few other people we’ve thrown out invitations to who might just come on by, and there will be much revelry and joy. we’re also on a Quest for Xaq (which just needed to be capitalized), who’s currently (as is common) very hard to find.

to look forward to this weekend: dolmangar‘s wonderful phenomenal plan to have an 80s party (i won’t get the bonus points for the car, of course) and is inviting lots of people i very much adore and can’t wait to see (or see some more of, since many of them are OTP-ers, but many others aren’t), for which i plan to be VERY appropriately dressed, so somebody had better take pictures! and sunday i get to go have a little philosophy with rumhann, which will for the very first time not be happening not only in person but NOT on somebody else’s borrowed time. so, yeah. happy birthday to me. ๐Ÿ™‚

and also happy birthday to jeff werner, stacey meyers, & kevin bacon. ๐Ÿ™‚ oh, and the guy who invented coca-cola.

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15 responses

8 07 2004
metalmonkey

::hug:: happy birthday, kiddo. :}

8 07 2004
me_not_you

Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday!
You gonna be in blacksburg over the weekend? Wildmouse and I are coming up ๐Ÿ™‚

9 07 2004
tyra

Re: Happy Birthday!
actually, sadly, no… we’re leaving saturday morning so we can be in chantilly for a shin-dig ‘s throwing. we’ll be there UNTIL then, though, & will try to leave some karmic joy lying around for y’all to play with! ๐Ÿ™‚

8 07 2004
wahyagar

Happy Birthday,
Enjoy your toast, and howl at the moon from the ampitheater for me (even as bereft of trees as it is now, it is still home.)
who knows, you may even see a fox while your there ๐Ÿ˜‰
See ya saturday night (I’m still trying to figure out what to wear, I don’t have a jean jacket anymore, and I’ve long sense worn out my assotred skater shirts….)
Love ya little one
Me

8 07 2004
cheshirrrecat

what Beautiful, Heart-warming, Happy thoughts. more people should write things like this on their birthdays. or, more specifically, more people should be able to Feel these things on their birthdays.
im Glad youre able to have such a Wonderful day–you so very much Deserve it. but i dont see how you could not–seeings how Wonderful You Are.
Have an Amazing, Love and Magic-filled day, my Queen.
Always,
your brightwing
(and what a Great Possibility to be potentially be able to move back down there. i Know what that would Mean to You. fingers are crossed.)

8 07 2004
dracoshen

Happy Birthday….
If I’d known it was coming up, I’d have said something Monday….
Hope its a good one….

8 07 2004
walkinthewilds

Happy Birthday Tyra!
Have fun in Blacksburg. It’s definately a special place.

8 07 2004
pictsy

Happy birthday! This is your 30th, yes?
The only problem with staying in Blacksburg is that the non tenured teaching jobs are unreliable. My friend April was adjunct with the English department for a few years, and they drove her nuts because she never knew if she was working until a few weeks before the next semester, and she never knew what she would be getting paid. And if they didn’t have work for her, she didn’t have enough lead time to apply at Radford or NRVCC. But if you could get reliable work it sounds like it would be perfect for you.
Anyway, see ya Saturday!

8 07 2004
message_2love

Dreaming of Mountain Air
Wow, I have a knot in my throat after reading your post. I think it’s a symptom of yearning to recapture the same feelings you have about Blacksburg. There’s a small mountain in the distance past Centreville that I can see out the window at work. It’s a cruelly unreachable vision, but it’s comforting as well. A personally poignant juxtaposition with the beginnings of the DC ‘skyline’ closer in the other direction. I would be so happy for you if you suddenly jumped back on down south. Happy birthday, babydoll! I’m hoping the day brings unexpected clarity. I wish i weren’t missing you by an inch since I’ll be down there Saturday. I’m eating that tiramisu with you in spirit. Cheers.
PS: i’m going to see Concrete Blonde at the 9:30 club in a couple weeks – Rock! ::extends arm upward, raising pointer, index, & thumb::

8 07 2004
reedrover

Happy Birthday to you. (And soon to me. And then to Skye.)

9 07 2004
tyra

happy birthday to you!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(it’s tomorrow now, compared to the post’s today. see, i remembered!)

9 07 2004
reedrover

Re: happy birthday to you!
Thank you!
I saw your birthday post. Tyra-me-sew. Mmmmm.

8 07 2004
l_stboy

…and Amy, too ๐Ÿ™‚
Happy Birthday! I hope everyone around provides much amusement for you!

8 07 2004
bluemeg

happy birthday sweetheart!

14 07 2004
west_wind

Happy Birthday!!
I know it’s late, but Happy Birthday!! anyways. Sometimes it’s fun to get late Happy Birthdays! It sounds like you had a lot of fun over the last week or so. I’m sorry I missed you in Blacksburg. Hopefully we’ll get a chance to see each other sometime before the next 4Cs. I miss our talks together. I can’t help thinking, yet again, that the time it took to get our Masters was way too short.

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