tongue tied down

15 07 2004

where the hell does the language go? this aphasia is almost predictable by now. i can run my mouth about anything. the longer i do it, the more likely i’ll say something shitty, hurt somebody, or just lose them in a mudslide of free associations, and when that happens i feel not just stupid but like a total asshole, b/c i watched it happen. if you dance around things long enough, they’ll disappear. knowing this, and continuing to dance, is neglect. negligence. bad parents go to jail for it. when anything’s actually important–to me, b/c i’m bloody brilliant psychologizing about everybody else’s affairs–i go non-verbal. fish-mouthed gaping. which is especially not productive as a function of inter-personal relationships and attempting to get, create, make room for, establish, or explain research goals, projects, & dissertations.

i’m such a fscking retard–too slow to keep up with even myself, let alone with the rest of the class.

&, for the record, “trust” really ought to be a 4-letter word. (like in elvish, where “st” is a single glyph…)

“we told you all of our secrets, all but one, & don’t you even try; the phone has been disconnected”

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18 responses

15 07 2004
rumhann

ya know . . . if you extend that little line on the lower right side of the “u”, there are some who would call it a four letter word.
=;-}
I really should answer that call . . . but I still need to look for a textbook I may/maynot actually posses here, in this house of mess.
*hugs*

16 07 2004
tyra

THAT
is a whole separate issue. behave yourself. although it’s also one of my favorite words, really… πŸ™‚

16 07 2004
pdxstraycat

But your mouth is so pretty when you do the fishy thing πŸ™‚
Okay, maybe not the time for giggles, and I’ll probably get a slap for that.
There are days when even the most wizened are struck dumb by their verbosity and the sounds that issue forth are as painful to hear as screeches of cats fighting under the bed. There are also days when They-you know, Them-beat you down so far that it’s amazing you can even sound out your own name or whimper for the soft touch of a loved one, and I’ve seen you endure a lifetime of that punishment in the last year.
You, above all, have the language to endure. Though you may feel small or shitty or completely fucked at times, you will outlast and shine more brilliantly for the few littles scuff marks.
Of course, I could be biased.
–TR

16 07 2004
tyra

fishy-thing is NOT cute! it’s retarded! retarded isn’t cute! grrrrrrr.
πŸ™‚ thanks, lovey. of course you’re biased. & what you call scuff-marks look more like bloody gouges from here, while walking back in the door of that building is this painful, nasty, inside-outy inky disappearing-ness like being swallowed eyeball-first by mulder’s black ooze. but it hasn’t killed me yet. & there are always more words somewhere, even if the moments when they’d be most apt keep on passing by…
what’s my name again?
>sigh<

16 07 2004
susanmarie

1. Knock off the retarded thing.
2. I apologized to Ms. J the other evening for being so obnoxious–i.e., running off my mouth and babbling and being blunt–and she said, what? Apparently, from the other side, what I feel is obnoxious is actually more straightforward and direct.
3. Start paying attention to the people you *like* and ignoring the rest. It’s very effective.
4. I’m ridiculously optimistic on behalf of other people.
5. Redecorate your office. Ooooh–maybe you could get moved in with me & Ruby! That would be fun!
6. I have to get off line and take Ms. J’s vehicle in to find out why the muffler is so chitty-chitty-bang-bang-loud.
7. Later, I have to bathe the dog. Not one of my favorite chores.
8. Oh, and at some point, I need to actually sit down and write the diss.
9. Wheeeee!

17 07 2004
wahyagar

well said….
–Me
oh and it has been known to be cute on occasion.

17 07 2004
pdxstraycat

On occasion? She’s pretty damn cute all the time, even when she’s whining about looking retarded, which makes her all the more frustrated with me, which makes her all the more cute. It’s a vicious cycle, but no one said life wasn’t cruel.
–TR

17 07 2004
wahyagar

LOL all fear the heinous cute cycle πŸ™‚

16 07 2004
metalmonkey

you’re not a fucking retard. You’re brilliant. That’s why i’m enlisting you in my projects. I’m calling the head of the Eastern Cherokee’s school system to talk about their arts programs. I’m going to write up a project proposal to send to them, and you’re going to read it and give me your criticism. Capiche? ;]

16 07 2004
tyra

you’re on.
thx for the faith.

16 07 2004
ranagar

If YOU are a retard, I don’t even want to THINK about what the rest of us are!
I’ve been listening to your mudslide of free associations for almost 15 years now. And yes, some of them hurt or pissed me off, but there isn’t a single one of them that I think would have been better for anyone if you had kept your mouth shut. Respect, Honesty, Trust and Open-Communication – You taught me that, even if it wasn’t with those words. You taught me that anything less is deceit, betrayal or lies. It may have taken me 10 years to really internalize that lesson, but it is one of most valuable lessons anyone has ever taught me. Don’t go changing your tune now because one person is too insecure to handle it.
Mouthy fish thing? I wanna see!

16 07 2004
tyra

love you, baby.
& nobody’s been insecure this time, or at least not that’s upset me. this was… minor, although it didn’t entirely feel like it at the time. i just ran into a wall, & it surprised me, & then it made me mad, & then i had to fume about it. i HATE when language leaves me. but–at least in this case–it really was entirely me being unable to speak, rather than anybody else being unable or willing to listen.
& the trust thing… well, that’s in the thomas post. enjoy. for someone feeling aphasic, i’m awfully talkative these days!

16 07 2004
cheshirrrecat

youre not a retard. youre too close. youre caught up in all the shit and things look and feel distorted. take a step back. breathe.
you are one of the Wisest, most Clearly spoken people i know.
and i Trust you Implicitly.

16 07 2004
tyra

even when i’m really stupid?
b/c i was just really stupid. & i hope to christ it doesn’t fall on you, but it’s already out of my too-hasty hands.

16 07 2004
susanmarie

Stoopid happenz. It just does. Stop beating yourself up.
D’ya wanna list of stupid things I’ve done? Like, the time I told my then-lover that her new glasses were ugly? Or, the time (in high school, granted) that I told some awful people that my sister was having an affair with a married man, which I knew because I had (drum roll) READ HER DIARY.
Ooooh, what else? So ease up, already. My favorite line from the wonderful Sandra Bullock movie, _28 Days_ (don’t laugh at me–I love it!): “Those are just things you did. They’re not who you *are*.”
πŸ™‚

16 07 2004
susanmarie

(Oh, and I really hate the “retard” thing. Really. One of Miss J’s old clients justified some foolish behavior by saying, “I’m retarded.” (And yes, he is developmentally disabled.) And she said, “You’re retarded, not stupid.”) πŸ˜‰

16 07 2004
tyra

you’re right.
actually, thank you. b/c i’ve been meaning to knock that word, at least in this particular usage, back out of my vocabulary for a long time. i used to work w/retarded kids too–cool, smart, funny, interesting retarded kids. i NEVER would have used it then. & then i picked it up again later from a girl i knew, yadda yadda yadda.
it’s no more casually okay than when i catch my freshmen using “gay” to mean “lame,” & i give them all kinds of shit for that!

16 07 2004
tyra

i’m still waiting for my own drum roll for this one. but i’m trying not to take myself TOO seriously at it, either. thanks again, ms. pop-culture icon for any occasion! πŸ™‚
&, really, anybody w/sisters ought to know to lock or hide a diary. which doesn’t excuse you, of course, but…

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