the scholarship of “ow”

27 08 2004

i’ve spent almost two weeks looking forward to today, in a sick, dread-filled, but also at least slightly optimistic way: today was the day when i was going to be done w/all my mandatory-fun-filled training sessions & able to stay home, my fall syllabus turned in, to actually work on some of the work that’s overdue–i’d love to say “my” work like the real scholars do, but it’s not.  it’s my last-semester-teacher’s work, & it doesn’t help my attitude to pretend otherwise (i tried).  so i woke up this morning cross about having to do the work, but at least resolved to get a good chunk of it DONE, knowing that i’d be much more pleased with done than not done.  and opened my eyes to mean, nasty, stabbing-behind-my- eyeballs-and-all-in-the-back-of-my-neck hormonal headacheness, and quickly closed them again, and spent the first half of the day in the bed in the dark waiting impatiently for it to go away.

it’s still not all the way gone, although it’s receded to a dull echo.  the mid-day coffee helped, although it made it worse at first.  it might have gone away faster if i hadn’t insisted on propping myself up in the dark bedroom to read a few articles that are due on tuesday because i have all this composing to do but couldn’t stand the bright light of the computer screen to do any of it, and i couldn’t spend that many hours in a row doing nothing

i finally made the screen darker, so it would hurt less, and got to writing.  it’s going very slowly.  i printed and organized for a while so i’d feel like i was making progress without actually having to write anything for a few minutes, which was nice, but now it’s over.  back to work.  pages and pages of notes i wrote months ago to read before i can make a paper out of them b/c i don’t remember much of anything about what they say.  knotty neck (& yes,pdxstraycat has been trying to help, being all sweet and backrubby and making-brunch-y and using-my-being-in-bed-as-an-excuse-to-have-a-nap-too-y), stabby-eyeballs & all, the drudgery must go on.  i feel like a half-blind monk in a cold tower-cell, without at least the faith that i’m doing all this for the glorification of god to guide me.  >sigh<  ow.

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6 responses

27 08 2004
jules_11

i, too, suffered from the headache from hell, but mine was last week. i also spent most of the day in bed, praying for the pain to go away, not able to move or think or do anything but cry about the pain. just for future notice, i found that excedrin migraine (or just extra strength excedrin) is the best thing for blinding pain headaches. i also mix it with caffeine, as you did, which seems to make it worse at first, but then better.
at any rate, i hope you feel much better tomorrow, and don’t feel bad about being behind–sometimes our bodies have different ideas than our minds. and in fact, i think you should have a free day tomorrow, to do whatever makes you happy, to make up for today 🙂

27 08 2004
antikate

awww. *pets the tyra* *glares threateningly at tyra’s headache*
and sometimes even doing *your very own* work doesn’t help. i have my paper to revise for the conference and my brain is just so melty from all the other stuff i’ve been working on and stressing over that i can’t get excited about revising it. rarrr.

28 08 2004
susanmarie

Just remember Margaret’s all-important phrase (imparted to me as I was completing an incomplete for *her* class my first year): “Done is good.” I know the prof you’re finishing up with doesn’t think that way, but so what. Be firm with her. (And remember that she only has high expectations of really smart people. For the rest, she simply has no use.)
😉 sma

28 08 2004
tyra

i have started working on the “chunk of formal writing” that is the BIG part of this many-tentacled project. started. which is a far cry from done, but is a whole lot closer than holding my head and fearing the screen like yesterday. go me!
(& i like the margaret-quote: i can hear her intonation perfectly. my mentor’s version: “lower your standards and crank out content!” he would grab us by the shoulders in the hall, push us back into our offices, & sit us down to do it when he caught us whinging in the halls.)

29 08 2004
susanmarie

Guess I should be taking that advice to heart on chapter two of the diss, eh?

29 08 2004
tyra

still-playing-paul-heilker, i can only answer:
“yes, of course, dear.”

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