relocated conversation (for swm)

7 09 2004

*my* judgment? you’re trusting *my* judgment? skaggs. if you knew the HALF of why that was a ridiculous idea right now… >sigh<

context-specifically, here's what's wrong with making me decide whether to tell you or not tell you:

1) i'm an emotional masochist & would always prefer to know/hear/encounter/think about/whatever things that i know damn well are going to cause me pain and mess up the nice, stable things in my life/head/whatever. so i tend to project that tendency onto others to a higher degree than they probably appreciate–some people actually DON'T want to know. but i can't always tell who & when.

2) YOU'RE an emotional masochist, but i don't know to what degree, for starters. and while yes, i can guess, and the guess is pretty dark & looks an awful lot like mine, that could be my projection problem getting in the way. or it could be that an older version of you was very much that way, and i’m still more than able to pick up that resonance, even though in the here and now you’re trying to be and would prefer to be less like that, to assist in which goal i should not feed those old impulses.

3) i’m annoying about show-n-tell. when i think i know something, i want to share it. this, too, has the potential to override any good sense i might quietly possess about whether or not a thing ought to be shared. i’m also the queen of explanation & justification. i can give you an answer to anything. whether it’s a right answer, a true answer, an even vaguely truthful answer… yeah. who the hell knows? it sounds true to me, or i wouldn’t say it, but i never was the mystic everybody gave me credit for simply because they wanted to know one about as badly as i wanted to be one.

4) also, i’m paying enough attention to who’s asking who what here to know that “d” is a bit of a coward’s answer. okay, not a bit: it’s a big, fat, hairy coward’s answer. yes, sometimes i’m an insightful little snotnose. in this particular instance, i’m insightful enough to see that:

a) you want to hear it, because part of you’s hopeful that i’ll say good things you want to hear & you’ll get warmfuzzies & more hope to hold onto that’s only going to fsck up your ability to live your real, current life. and

b) you want to hear it, because part of you’s convinced (hopeful?) that whatever i say’s going to hurt like hell, and nobody’s cut you too deep in a while, and you miss the pain, and you think you deserve it, and it grounds you in things you understand. and

c) you want to hear it because talking about her at all is a loose tooth you can’t stop poking w/your tongue, even if it hurts, and even if you’re going to rip it out before it’s ready & make a mess of your face in the process. and

d) you DON’T want to hear it, because you’re making a concerted effort to get over it & move on, even while leaving a space in your head and your life for her, should she want to use it, & you know perpetuating these conversations widens the space & makes it spill over into things it’s better out of. and

e) you DON’T want to hear it, because you’ve finally figured out how to be really pissed at her for the shit she did to you, & if you get all into the grit of the whys and the hows and the web of causality & the bloody mess of HER wounds everywhere, you’ll lose that. plus

f) you want to make me decide b/c then you won’t have to, and whatever you hear will be a hurricane, something you didn’t create and can’t be to blame for and can only brace yourself against and turn your face into and weather, and if it scars you, and if it breaks you, it must have been meant to, because it was out there heading your way.

how’s that? ::smug, irritating grin, to be immediately followed by something awfully apologetic in nature, which you don’t want to hear, so i’m audi::




2 responses

7 09 2004

I told you, you were a delightfully insightful -and- a wonderful human being!!!
thank you, I’m so glad you’re in my world!
and blessings to you this day as well,

7 09 2004

Re: see!!
you, my darling, have a beautiful, sometimes even enviable side-step.
and thanks, i’m really glad to be here! 🙂
now… i’m having a problem grasping the emensity of the implications of this theory… i can really put a HUNDRED songs in mp3 format on 1 cd and you can play them?
good god. that does shatter the mix-tape meme wide-open. do i even HAVE that many worth-sharing songs? and how in the world would one SORT them? i’m starting to see the boggling dizziness of the proposition. no wonder you can’t commit to this project! could anyone? or, more specifically, could i? ::plot, plot::

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