f*** the girl police

22 10 2004

i think i should just resign myself (like i haven’t been trying on & off to do that for almost as long as i’ve been trying not to have to) to the fact that i. will. never. break. the. code.

let me hear it one more time

it’s not, of course, as if i haven’t tried. it’s not really like i ever do anything but try. it’s just that it doesn’t work. i don’t work. i was born (this has to be it) with the wrong implanted microchips. or something missing. it’s bad enough that i’ve felt like an idiot for a year and a half (and counting) because the cliques springing up around me not only don’t want me in, but don’t seem to even be speaking English when i accidentally interrupt them. it’s bad enough that i’ve had my feelings hurt repeatedly by these girls whose off-hand insults and corrections and criticisms seem to land on each others’ ears like praise-songs i don’t understand. i can accept that i’m the one with catching up to do when that goes on. i can deal with listening carefully for the rhythms, swallowing the things that don’t seem as if they’re meant to sting even when they do, studying new idioms, new facial expressions, new tongues, letting their mannerisms take root in my own repertoire. i can be the ugly kid in jr. high who’s kept around more like a mascot than anything so that somebody will be there to be volunteered for jobs nobody else wants in return for being every once in a while included in the joke or referred to in the plural first-person tense. and then it all goes wrong–again–and i remember how much i suck at this and how good i’ve never been at it.

today i got a “let’s talk” e-mail (that’s code here for “you suck”–is it always? is this something else i’m expected to already know?) from a girl who insulted the hell out of me–at least to me–in class on tuesday, to whom i snapped back at the time in just the words and cadences i’d been watching and copying, trying my damnedest to remember that they didn’t mean to be mean & to play it the way they play it, telling me that my telling her to shut up made her very, very angry, and she doesn’t know “where to go from here,” which i’m reading (but what do i know about how to read these things, right?) as “right now i don’t think i want you to talk to me anymore, and i’m not sure i care if that ever changes.” so of course i, still pretty stung from the classroom interaction in the first place, but still playing it off b/c that’s how they seemed to play, wrote back to grovel & apologize & tell her i didn’t know she’d take it that way, because i didn’t know, but, then, on retrospect, i remembered that most of what they shouted at me about last year was admitting i didn’t know things…

[as an aside, is this really just me? am i the only person to whom being told publicly to “calm down” when i engage in a topic with any intensity whatsoever sounds judgmental and critical? do other people hear that as just a friendly suggestion? was i supposed to know to thank her instead of shushing her so i could finish making my damn point?]

& i don’t know when or if she’s going to write me back–the last time they were pissed at me, i never heard back from any of my efforts to address/redress their accusations–or if i’ll be given the silent-treatment in class for the rest of the term, or why the hell she didn’t say something tuesday if she was mad tuesday, instead of stewing for four days, probably bouncing her concerns & the flattering characterization of me that i’m sure accompanies them off half my cohort in the process…so, yeah. in trouble yet again. it happens whenever i start to get even the least bit comfortable around the women i know. i act like myself. i don’t self-edit nearly enough. i say what i’m actually thinking. i assert my agendas when i feel like they’re being encroached upon. & i get slammed for it, every time. billy-clubbed in the sugariest ways possible, but billy-clubbed just the same. handcuffed. me in the cop car, again, for another infraction i don’t even understand. i only told her to shut up because that’s what she and her friends tell each other. i guess i should have known that the friendly things she’s done and said to me don’t make us friends, that the words are reserved for people actually in the circle rather than just permitted to hover near it. sisterhood and solidarity my ass–she & her best friend have plenty of it, sure, but it’s got fuck-all to do with me.




12 responses

22 10 2004

good grief; I don’t know what gives you the strength to stay

22 10 2004

oh Hell no
Love, she sounds like a hypocritical, close-minded twat.
i mean…*ahem*…..
she sounds like a hypocritical, close-minded twat.
yup–thats what i meant.
(although this could also me being defensive for you because i really HATE it when people dont treat you well.)
fucking sociopolitical bullshit.
not that youre asking, but what i would suggest (in my currently hostile-for-you state)is JUST BE YOU. if you want to/need to talk to her FOR YOU, then do it (for instance, if you needed to to be able to get along in class/at school). you dont need to conform to their (or ANYONES) ways of talking and being, unless there is a mutual communication learning experience occurring **and there’s Respect involved**, and if they cant extend the brain power and love to understand you for Who You Are, you sure as hell dont need them, and they are by no means Friends. if you want to explain what you meant when you told her to shut up–do that. you probably stepped on her toes, because people dont like to be told what they’re doing is wrong or bad or whatever–but you know what? it happens. and Real people open the minds and hearts and understand and forgive. and if SHE cant do that–if SHE cant meet you halfway–you sure as HELL dont need to go the whole way and take all the responsibility for her. it doesnt sound like she would for you.
there’s no “code” for Real Women, Love. WE (people like you and me, and our Real girlfriends) dont need that bullshit.
i Love You. i think youre fucking kickass. you have your quirks like everyone else, but fuck a whole lot of ANYBODY that treats you with anything but Complete Respect.

22 10 2004

Re: oh Hell no
i LOVE when you’re hostile in my honor. i swear to god i didn’t write that post just to get you to leap to my defence, but DAMN does it feel good when you go doing it!
::basks for a moment in the warm glow of b’s righteously-indignant-on-my-behalf hostility::
stepping in toes is a specialty of mine. never could dance. >sigh<
all my arguing (cuz you know i can’t resist defending my own patheticness) is in my reply to . don’t wanna type it twice. you can look & argue back, or let it go. you’ve more than exerted mighty effort on my behalf! XOXOXOXOXOXOX
::basks some more::

22 10 2004

maybe it’s cuz
here we’re only supposed to be “academic girl” or “poststructural fashion critic girl” or “trendy lipstick girl” and i’m way the hell out here instead:

I am a hybrid of: Girl Next DoorGranola Girl
Click on the pictures below to read more:

Take the ‘What Kind of Girl Are You?’ quiz at CookingToHookup.com

eh. *hugs* you chix rock!!! *hugs* they can bite me. πŸ™‚

22 10 2004

thats the spirit! go you! πŸ™‚
and that girl-thing is silly!

I am a hybrid of: Progressive GirlIndie Girl
Click on the pictures below to read more:

href=’http://www.cookingtohookup.com/girls/progressive.php’ target=’_blank’>

Take the ‘What Kind of Girl Are You?’ quiz at CookingToHookup.com

22 10 2004

Re: maybe it’s cuz
hehe- dead on ;P

22 10 2004

Re: maybe it’s cuz
so i didn’t check out any of the recipe business–does granola girl or the girl next door warrant pumpkin soup, or just stolen candles from an overpriced irish cafΓ©? πŸ˜‰

22 10 2004

I’ve been reading a book off and on called Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office, which was recommended to me by a “girl” at the office. You might find some validation in it for being yourself and sticking up for yourself.
The woman who recommended the book to me is really stuck in the quicksand of the cliques. She’s pretty, stylishly dressed, and acts younger than she is. And she knows it. And every time she tries to break out of it and be a “woman” her friends clique at work temporarily disowns her, disses her, trashes her, and then cozies up to her to suck her back in.
One of the conversations we had at lunch one time was about being “in” and being “out,” and the stresses of each.
I am, most obviously and completely, “out” when compared to the female groups and cliques at work. I am almost never invited to lunch when there is a group of women going. R- is almost always “in,” but about once a month she comes to me complaining about the word games and the sexy/stylish innuendo going on. She has to work with some of these women in testing teams and such, and I can see the parallels with your school situation. R- sent me an e-mail string once that had me on my what do you care what these women think soapbox for hours.
I came to the conclusion that all that practice I had in college being at the fringes and almost never being the center of a crowd was probably a good thing. I’d rather offend than get stuck in a swirl of oh-I-didn’t-mean-it-but-I-did.
And continuing on that thought, you were one of the people I admired in college for being you. You wore different and striking clothes with flair and style. You posed, postured, and acted on what you were feeling at any time. Truthfully, I often felt rather bland and unattractive around you because of your strong and honest personality. By honest, I mean that you meant what you said and you projected the emotions to match. Or you were such a fabulous actor that I never knew the difference. ::grin::
In any case, here’s a box of long-distance sympathy [] . I hope that there is enough love and caring outside of that room to make up for the pain inside of it.

22 10 2004

*shakes head slowly*
Have you heard of the ‘golden rule’ – “treat others as you would have them treat you”?
Well, let’s put it this way . . . she’s just trying to show you how she wants to be treated by you, so let the hypocritical, close-minded twat recieve what she’s asking for and have done with it.
She obviously dosen’t want, need or in fact deserve your gratitute or kindness, so fuck her. Let her lie in the bed she’s made and quit feeling guilty over the crap that she’s pulling over your eyes!
um, that’s my two coppers worth

22 10 2004

Re: *shakes head slowly*
if she really were a closed-minded twat, or if she gave that impression off to anyone but me–and even to me it’s only rarely–i’d be totally where you guys are. only everybody else–and not just that generic stupid “if everybody else jumped off a bridge” everybody else, but people i really do like and admire–thinks she’s great. i often think she’s great–in between the times she confuses the shit out of me. which is where i end up thinking it probably really is me. she probably is great, and those people are right (which makes more sense by far than only i in a crowd of brilliant people being able to see an ugly truth i don’t want to believe anyway), and i’m just an idiot who can’t command the language well enough to use it to interact with smart, confident, academically-brilliant women. & when i try, the idiot comes out, & people get pissed, & they’re pissed because i somehow am mean & insensitive & shitty, whereas somehow in parts of the language i don’t hear they’re coding what they say so that they’re not…
she loves my favorite movie. & calls me “sweetie,” when i haven’t been an idiot & made her angry. & tells me i’m smart when i feel stupid.
the golden rule doesn’t work, anyway. it’s never worked. because it resides on the faulty premise that words & actions mean the same things to different people, and they don’t. she wants me to be nice to her like she thinks she’s being nice to me. only what comes out of my mouth when i think i’m doing it right is all terribly wrong.
sorry. there you were offering coppers, & all i did is argue. ::pout::

22 10 2004

i had to respond to this
where to start? first off, it’s easy to say “fuck her,” but when you see this girl all the time (which i’m assuming you do) it’s hard to adapt said attitude, especially when the whole world thinks she is great, so that’s certainly a tough position for you to be in. however, you are *not* an idiot without a command of the language, and these girls cannot be any smarter or academically brilliant than you–i know you academically, and i know how brilliant you are. so there πŸ™‚
and just because she loves your favorite movie and calls you sweetie doesn’t mean that she’s not a two-faced bitch. and the whole world can freakin’ love her if they want to, but sometimes people who suck on the inside have a great way of hiding it on the outside.
sigh. i just had to rant because i don’t want anyone being mean to you–it makes me defensive and i want to hug you, but i can’t, so instead i now have angry thoughts aimed her way.
did i mention that you’re the greatest and that you have a TON of girl friends who love you just the way you are, verbal snafus or not?

22 10 2004

Re: i had to respond to this
thanks, j. πŸ™‚ you rock. i really hope she DOESN’T suck… i think, really, i prefer being an idiot to being surrounded by secretly mean nice-people. & i can command boring academicly language whenever i like; it’s just the secret girlish language of how to simultaneously bolster & cut down your sisters all at once that i never learned and always mis-play. >sigh< i KNEW i hung out primarily w/boys for a good reason!

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