hit me.

6 12 2004

three weeks ago my cousin tried to kill herself; she’s home again now, and still miserable, and i’m not sure who’s currently looking after which of her four kids, but i know her family’s so fucked up they aren’t all together.

pdxstraycat and i came back from thanksgiving break to a quiet house empty of finches;

nobody’s sure what killed them, but our neighbor, who stayed home for thanksgiving while his new wife went home to be with her family for the funeral of an old friend, felt really shitty about it anyway.

last week shannen was moving back to virginia & taking ranagar‘s kids with her & there was nothing he could do about it; this weekend she’s staying again, & it’s not my problem & so i suppose it really shouldn’t depress the crap out of me, but it does. her kind of crazy instability tends to be learned from crazy-unstable environments, and she keeps creating them. how am i supposed to save those babies?

yesterday the beta-fish i bought to keep me company in my office back at tech twitched his last twitch.

i finally heard last night from one of our few friends here (or at least he used to be here) whose clinical depression got so overwhelming that he threw his hands up and went home to alabama in order to keep himself alive, and while he’s still alive, the darkness hasn’t done a whole lot of receding, and he isn’t sure he’s ever coming back. i promised i’d write back and keep on lifting, but i’m really short on things to say.

today becky & twig are having some fucked-up end of the world conversation i don’t understand, and metalmonkey‘s posting dreams about serial killers.

today a friend from tech posted about her brother, last night, saying goodbye to be shipped off to war, & about how impossible it’s going to be to try to explain where he is to his four-year-old daughter.

today one of my advisors (another one of the too-few people here that i liked) resigned, effective the end of the semester (that’s in a couple of days).

today pdxstraycat‘s mom called to let him know his aunt had died; she was old, she’d been sick for a while, & everybody knew it was coming, but now he’s all depressed because the logistics are impossible & he’s not going to be able to be with his family for the funeral.

& shitty as this is to say, at least maybe having that on his mind will result in less getting in fights about my being friends with my friends, or when’s the best time for decorating the christmas tree, or his sitting me down, like he’s taken to doing lately, to tell me morbidly how awful everything is & how dark it is inside his head & how last summer when i got all fscked up about ranagar & instead of being closeted & sneaky about it, was brave and told him everything i was thinking, what he really wanted at the time was to kick me out of the house.

i’m losing andrew, who didn’t show up to class today, even though today was when the second-to-last project of the year was due–and he’s only turned in one, and badly at that, so far–and who didn’t come by my office hours to explain himself, and who i can’t save single-handedly, no matter how clearly i see a future for him that i hate or how much i wanted to deliver the well-placed kick in the pants that would turn it around.

and L, my favorite student, the one who reminds me scarily of me, the one i really kinda wanted to be friends with forever?

L’s dying.

no, really. she’s got some kind of genetic, degenerative, one-way-ticket kidney disease.
L: i don’t have enough time in this world to NOT be perfect on the first try.
irishtexanteachr: L,
irishtexanteachr: you’re going to be a much happier person when you finally get hit on the head hard enough to get over the perfect thing.
L: aye i can challenge myself but since GPA is more important than true higher learning in my household i’d rather have a good outcome than a good journey 😛
L: it’s not a perfect thing, it’s a time thing
L: i don’t have enough time to go back and do everything twice.
irishtexanteachr: you don’t even like your household.
irishtexanteachr: not EVERYTHING needs to be done perfectly. save your strength for the things that count.
L: true dat but it pays for school
irishtexanteachr: you aren’t going to flunk.
irishtexanteachr: therefore, you may as well relax into learning something.
L: EVERYTHING counts!! i’m 18 years old and halfway through my life and EVERYTHING counts.
irishtexanteachr: laurie,
L: i’m not going to flunk but i’d like another A instead of another C
irishtexanteachr: you’re also going to be happier when you let go of that counting thing. it’s not healthy. i’m serious.
irishtexanteachr: i’d like you to write an A paper too.
irishtexanteachr: i gave a few As on this last assignment. none of them were to perfect papers. relax.
L: it’s not healthy but it is reality, in truth. lol, i noticed the lack of perfection, there was lots of red.
irishtexanteachr: it was purple, when i did it. i don’t like red. 🙂
irishtexanteachr: should i ask why it’s true, or is that getting too personal for what you want to explain to your writing teacher?
L: i got red ’cause i’m the student, but i thought it was funny that the prgram underlined not only my spelling errors but yours too 😛
L: *shrug* no, you can ask.
L: my mom died of PKD a year and a half ago. it’s genetic, and it’s her only legacy to me…i was diagnosed at 17 and there is no cure.
irishtexanteachr: ah.
irishtexanteachr: crap.
L: so i win on the time thing.
irishtexanteachr: & here i was hoping you were just psychologically attached to the trauma.
L: but i was always a stressed spycho, no worries
irishtexanteachr: i guess if you’re going to make yourself nuts anyway, it’s good to have something concrete to worry about?
L: i’ve had lots of concrete to worry about, thus my qualms with god
L: but it’s nice to have something that won’t go away, sort of
irishtexanteachr: i’m getting that picture. i can see where it would be reassuring, in its own way.
L: then i know that at least for now nothing else too bad can pop up
irishtexanteachr: true, true.
irishtexanteachr: superheros who know how they’re going to die are always supremely confident about their ability to do everything else.
irishtexanteachr: you just need a superhero cape.
L: *puffs out my chest and looks noble*
L: i’m too scared to be a superhero…i’m afraid that when i die i’ll have too much left to do.
irishtexanteachr: noble is a good look for you. 🙂
irishtexanteachr: darling, we all die w/too much left to do.
irishtexanteachr: at least the good ones of us–its because we have dreams & aspirations.
L: i prefer zany, it’s wild enough to be creative but just a notch below pathologically insane 😛
irishtexanteachr: i was going to tell you to list adjectives you like better than “perfect” to live in. “zany” is a good one.
L: eh, i don’t even worry that far. i just want to have my house that’s one room too small where the dishes don’t match. Other than that, i know i’ll end up having to let go of some aspirations
irishtexanteachr: you are uncannily like me sometimes.
L: but it looks like you have the house and the mismatched dishes.
irishtexanteachr: i spent 10 years telling everybody i was going to ask for mismatched dishes for wedding china.
L: and you are uncannily like Anne of Green Gables, who i wanted to be for years.

she thought–and so of course i believed her–that she’d probably live as long as her mother did, that she had another 15 or 20 years to work with. she found out over the weekend that the time-scale’s been sped up. way up. she told me today in my office, trying to be as plucky as ever, wiping one tear after another off of one cheek after the other, that they know now why she kept not getting over those colds, and why it’s been so hard for her to get out of bed in the morning, and that she’s resigning from the university after this semester because she won’t be well enough to get the education she’s paying for anyway, and she starts dialysis friday.

i’ve been trying really hard to be peppy lately, but christ on a fucking cracker it isn’t easy. so, go ahead. however you count that, i’m still well shy of 21. only i can’t type that right now w/o thinking “yeah, well, so’s L.”

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3 responses

7 12 2004
cheshirrrecat

my god, t.
ive reread this 5 times hoping that words will come to me–that i will think of Something to say that could help at all. i dont think anything is going to come.
ive never been good at dealing with or finding insights on death or Loss.
for what its worth, i Admire your Strength and your Honesty with ty. i Know that you are an Incredibly Strong woman, and that you two will make it through this Hard time where youre both struggling, but i also Know that is little consolation while youre trying to do it. i wish i could find the damn words to offer insight and support for you in that.
as for twig and i, he was joking at himself in his comment because his original post had sounded so ominous, and the tone got misconstrued. while things are Dark here for some unknown reason, theyre not end-of-the-world.
can you find out laurie’s mailing address? i would really like to send her some dishes. or maybe i can just ship them to you and have you give them to her? i imagine the house she’s already in is about one room too small–missing the room where she can go and be happy and escape from the horror of reality for awhile. maybe she can at least have some tea out of a cool cup and saucer or a sandwhich on a pretty, colorful glass plate. maybe you could even go have tea with her so she could share her dishes with someone? what do you think? would she be cool with that or would it upset her to know you had told us about her? she sounds like one hell of a cool girl.
i wish there were any words that could Help. if there are, i cant find them. if i can do anything else, dont even think about hesitating to call or write, ok? i wish i was there.
you never cease to Amaze me, t. you Truly are one of the Bravest, Strongest people i know.

8 12 2004
tyra

i’ll see if i can sneak an addy out of her sometime soon; i’m supposed to be taking her out for a coffee one of these days. i think that’s a terrific idea. 🙂 we’ll send her things w/no real names & sign them “anne &…” what was her friend’s name? diana?
she’s sharp. she’ll get it.
she missed class this morning–our next to last–& of course i worried, but what could i do about it anyway, right? (on a positive note, andrew didn’t, & although he had no work with him & brought nothing to turn in, he did spend the entire period working dedicatedly at helping people edit papers, & was, typically, frustratingly, by far the most helpful editor in the room.) turns out i was right to worry; when i found her on aim later she was on her laptop in the hospital. exhausted, getting a few toxins flushed out of her limping system, & just as amiable about it as in the chat above, planning on being up & about tomorrow, coming by to hand things in, & fully intending to be there to workshop on friday morning.
she’s the bravest, strongest EVERYTHING i know.

7 12 2004
cheshirrrecat

and i Love you.

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