8 04 2005

letter to j from a slighted (stuffed) lizard

 

i think perhaps you misunderstood the circumstances of our first meeting. i am not a cute and fuzzy distraction-object. i am not even cute and fuzzy. well, i might be a little accidentally-fuzzy, because i predate the toynerds at ty ™ figuring out how to plush without fuzz, but with my eerie zombie-like stare i’m the antithesis of cute. no, i am a chameleon! i am a master of disguise and adaptability. i disappear in plain sight. i reappear in startling and unexpected places. i impress the living out of many small insect-like morsels of jungle-food goodness with the ninja skillz of my gluey elasticman stretch-tongue. also i am an aficionado of slick cars, and would love to guard yours from potentially invisible intruders. or window-theives. did i mention that my zombie-like stare can see in the dark? that my ninja skillz stick to glass? and my upkeep costs significantly less than $86 a year. as a side-kick, i have the additional usefulness of drawing subtle attention to your natural chameleon attributes—i am just like all the colors of your color-changing eyes. i must apologize for the one way in which my prowess utterly outstrips your own, however; i’m sorry that you cannot hang from your monkey-tail the way i can hang from mine!

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