spikes & valleys

12 12 2006

it’s not much like the steady rhythm of the ocean, & there’s no waiting for peace to find you; it doesn’t find you. you hide in it, sometimes, for a little while, when you’re lucky enough to both find one of its hidden doors & be in the mental space to need it at the same time. the one or the other usually comes by on its own, a one-mittened child looking for a paper cup of cocoa on a barely snowy day with more than enough wind to make up the difference; never have i been a blue calm day–i have always been a storm.

today i barely got the dishes or the laundry started, & the futility of trying threatened to consume me, i spent half the day nervously waiting for two phone calls that of course coincided, none of the awful news i was expecting came, i stood around a room half full of strangers ganking free food & trying to remember whose faces i’d expected to see, i set a little confusion free on the damn tide because i simply cannot carry it around & to no good purpose, & got a little present i’d sent myself in the mail, which made me just as happy as it would have had it been somebody else who’d thought to send it. on my way home, the ipod and its amazing randomizer reminded me of the friend i was in luck enough to find online today to say hi to for the first time in months, playing one of very few songs i have by the band that’s the band you have to think of when you think of him, and then played some old-school indigo-girls, which, combined with the warm hints in the air & the christmas lights gleaming out of windows & the silhouettes of crows overhead made me a little euphoric. “vet says it’s not cancer,” i texted toward the sailing ship; “have to take her back tomorrow but it looks like i’ll still have a cat at christmas 😀 thx for caring :)” energized from the walk & the crows & the free food, i finally got out the snow shovel & dug the collapsed half-liquid jack-o-lanterns off the porch to go pitch them into the composty mulchy mess of our wee back yard, & while i was carrying orange melty puddles of pumpkin on my bright orange shovel the ipod played the tori song that sings the book donovan lent me yesterday, as what he saw as my long overdue introduction to porn, when i stopped by to retrieve my pants. i’d go curl up & read it in the bath, but the landlord’s never brought the part to fix the missing seal, & the neighbors take exception when the basement floods.

“i’m tired of being this emotional about everything,” i told a friend yesterday. “like, i know i keep defending this choice, but some times it just wears me down. i used to be better at not caring about this. i should get back to that.” then, of course, i scolded him for agreeing with me. it’s a tough game to win around here sometimes. it’s no wonder ty takes his plate full of party food & runs. but here’s something else i’ve learned lately: true friends are those who don’t even like pets, who totally aren’t pet people, & who text & call you anyway in the middle of their impossibly busy lives to check in on you & the cat. so, sure, there are a few rocks i’d like to throw. and maybe some doorknobs. but like i said… the love? i’m still feeling it.

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7 responses

12 12 2006
pictsy

I’m glad you’ll still have a cat at Christmas.
I’m way too emotional about everything. I do my very, very best to hide it, because it seems to annoy people.

12 12 2006
cheshirrrecat

“because it seems to annoy people”
yeah, thats the part that pisses me off. emotions are part of who we are–and the people that love us–the people that matter–should never get annoyed with us for being who we are, if we’re being true to ourselves.
*Love*

13 12 2006
tyra

my guess is people get “annoyed” because they’re not sure how to deal with their own emotions, & damn if those things aren’t contagious sometimes.
“NOOOO! DON’T FEEL STUFF! i won’t know what to do and also you might MAKE ME FEEL STUFF! THAT INTERFERES WITH MY APATHETIC DEMEANOR! DAMN YOU!”
but maybe that’s just my emotionist prejudice talking. 🙂

12 12 2006
cheshirrrecat

there are some of us that are horrible friends lately, but still Love you and think about you and send as much healing as we can to your closest beings even when we suck at saying it outloud. and we Hope you Know and can still Feel the Love.

13 12 2006
tyra

oh, cut it out. you’re not horrible, you’re off being giddy. it’s rare enough you get to; enjoy the fuck out of it & come back for my moody ass when i’m close enough to hold. i’ll be home soon. 🙂

13 12 2006
tamnonlinear

What is the diagnosis on the cat?

13 12 2006
tyra

hey! i don’t know yet; we’re going back this afternoon to have a biopsy of the non-cancerous lump in her belly & talk about drugs we might put her on to do something about something being inflamed and something being toxic or toxin-ish or… vet was in a hurry to leave when he called, but the important parts were “not cancer” and “bring her back tomorrow,” so in we go!

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