this one’s blue

23 01 2007

writing at home alone is isolating and frustrating and sucky. and yes, i know, it’s all of day 2 of me trying this round of this. i’m a wuss. knew that already. i was hoping it would take longer to lose heart. which i guess meant hoping (without a lot of faith) i still had any to begin with.

problem is, i don’t remember how to do this. and i don’t remember what this stuff was about all those months ago–it’s been almost a year since i wrote the exam essays at the end of putting all these books in my head in the first place. i have no idea what i’m talking about or how to talk about it.

one of my friends helpfully popped up online to let me know his sister was just told she has to totally rewrite her dissertation. i think that was supposed to encourage me. maybe to set myself on fire.

also i’m wondering who decided the best way to handle bad karma was to spread it around. this goes out as a special dedication. and the horse. yeah, i know, we’ve all seen it on a hundred cars, whatever. context is everything.

i don’t suppose i really want to sic dragons on anybody; if i go getting dragon happy every time i’m cranky, i won’t have any friends left at all in way-too-little-time. but hard as it is to believe, there is a limit to how much pushing is okay, to how many times in a row i can have the same fight, to how much of the inconsistencies between people telling me i’m quintessential & acting like they don’t give a flying fuck i’m gonna take. or at least there would be. if i had an ounce of reasonable self-preservation to my name. but i don’t. okay? i don’t. there aren’t any dragons. don’t leave me.

i’m not clawing at the floorboards yet; i put the shit away, i’m baking cookies for tomorrow’s study hall, i’m flexing other wings. but i do know how to surrender–it’s one of the few skills the past few years have taught me. & it’s starting to look, in more than one arena, when i’m not just totally distracted by all the little sparkles & have to confront reality instead, like it might be about that time again.

adds to list:
AND i just burned myself on the cookie pan
AND i just got hung up on by one of those wonderful afore-mentioned people, in particular the one who swears hanging up is the rudest thing in the world to do to people & he never would. forget surrender; it’s time to just-not-stop drinking.




14 responses

23 01 2007

Isn’t they say that’s what you’re supposed do do when you’re caught in the undertow? Surrender to it and hope you make it out alive?
…That didn’t end up quite as uplifting as I intended it to be. Please insert cliches here about letting things go and them coming back to you, etc etc.

23 01 2007

escaping the undertow
I feel compelled to suggest that you are somewhat mistaken for two reasons: 1) please don’t drown, and 2) I like the cliched metaphor better in my zen sort of conflict avoidance way.
If my memory is correct, you escape the undertow by swimming parallel to the shore, thus neither fighting the undertow nor surrendering to it. You turn one way or the other and find the way of least resistance.

23 01 2007

Re: escaping the undertow
but what if i WANNA drown!?!?
you never let me have any fun.

24 01 2007

Re: escaping the undertow
*smacks up side the head with a life preserver*
*then buckles you into it* πŸ˜‰

23 01 2007

Re: escaping the undertow
Yes, that does sound a lot more sensible than surrendering, actually. I’m glad I didn’t get caught in an undertow before you corrected me, as I’m rather fond of not-dying.

23 01 2007

I was contemplating the merits of heavy alcohol application on Friday. Maybe we should get together for a long sodden evening sometime.
I totally understand your and… and section. Yesterday was almost too much insanity (of the bad kind) to credit to only one day.
Let me know if/when you want to talk albums. I *know* you can do that, and do it all artsy in ways I totally can’t. And then you’ll have a satisfying ending to something.

23 01 2007

I don’t think I would continue talking to someone who hung up on me. Unless I had a big, fat crush on him. But I can’t think of anyone I’ve had a big, fat crush on who has ever hung up on me.

23 01 2007

well. to be fair, i know how rude it is b/c i’ve done it. way more often than i’m proud of, although i still insist every time it was better than whatever i’d have said if i didn’t AND better than flinging & shattering the phone. i need this phone. >sigh<

23 01 2007

sometimes, babe, whiskey in the afternoon is a damn Good thing. not necessarily as a habit, but when nothing else works or is new or seems like its going to change on its own, its a good factor to introduce. let yourself get lost in it, or something else–when you come out the other side, *something* is bound to be different.
hang in there, girl.

24 01 2007

THAT’S what’s missing.
my house is suffering from a serious lack of whiskey! of course, if it weren’t, it would likely soon be suffering from a serious lack of productivity, grocery shopping, dishwashing, remembering-to-feed-the-cat, & other activities reputedly important for maintaining normal survival modes. but some days *wow* does that shit seem overrated.

24 01 2007

drinking in the afternoon
I must say I prefer a nice easy merlot or Rioja in the afternoon. breakfast can be started off simply with a nice Moscato d’ Asti. Save the high alcohol Zinfandels, and extracted Cabernets and Shiraz for after 5pm. This is at least my experience. Perhaps an ice half bottle of Moscato to get you from 9am to around 10am. Once you have come to the conclusion that the day will not get any better then it is time to open a simple easy to drink sparkling wine. Spanish Cava is good for this and rather cheap as well tasty. By noon you want to be working into still whites and light reds to help compliment your lunch. After lunch a couple of quick shots then a nap will suffice. After dragging your carcass off the sofa, wondering what day it is and trying not to tread on the cat, then it is time to begin with a nice Rioja to lead into dinner. For dinner and for relaxing a high alcohol Zinfandel like Chiarelli should do well. Don’t forget to get up late the next morning…..rinse and repeat.

24 01 2007

Re: drinking in the afternoon
o robert, i love you so.

24 01 2007

Oh, sweetie, I feel your pain. There have been many times where I’ve felt that I am not cut out for this, and I know I’m not done feeling that way yet. I’m still not done considering therapy, but I’m not sure that that would fix anything I’m going through at this point. Anyway, you are a freaking brilliant woman, so I really hope you don’t drown under that pile of books and notes and ideas. I have faith that you will wade through it all.
And if you ever want to, I would be happy to sit on the phone and chat and sip pink wine with you.

24 01 2007

Dissertation hints from someone who never wrote one: Begin with the end, work in layers, plan for two rewrites (and then you will be happy when there is only one!)

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