holy drunken redneck zombie lynchmob, batman (PAIN!)

13 05 2007

ain’t nuthin like a chorus of amens & a good kitchen-linoleum revival hour with folks shouting all about her honour-with-a-u to make a girl feel better about her place in the world & remind her that she’s cradled in it. and arm-crushed. and i am not kissing paul morris in that photograph shawn threatened to put on the internet, no matter what it looks like.

some people went out on some limbs for me last night, & by “some” i don’t just mean the loudmouth in the cowboy hat. there was a lot of bravery and a lot of trusting and a lot of folks keeping their mouths mostly shut when i know they didn’t wanna–and running those mouths at or near me around corners in ways that made me laugh and filled my wings.

sometimes i screw it all up–the longer y’all have known me the more evidence you have for that–but sometimes, & i think yesterday was one of them, i guess right, take the right risks, insist upon and allow myself to be pulled into the most important conversations and to resist the ones that would only cloud the skies… so the stuff that stings, it’s better. (are you feeling better now?)

it’s way more ache than sting today, and mostly ache the way you earn good bruises, taking chances, leaping wildly before you think to stop to calculate the distance and the strength left in your legs. it’s a big bruise. whole-body, bone deep; and part of why this hit so hard was that i really didn’t know how soft that tissue was before the fall.

i think i was hoping to escape without having to know–for both of us. but i like both-knowing better, like i like crying-with far more than just crying about, & so while i might still loathe the circumstances and this whole week’s going to be loss-colored and full of woe and way too many hours i’d planned to share that aren’t mine to plan with anymore…

(and the world might be long for you, but it’ll never belong to you)…

i’ll ultimately be glad of what i’ve gained. and charmed within an inch of my life by how (unnecessary though it might have been in most ways) nobody’s ever dragged a boy (who, mercifully, kept his cool & didn’t let anybody else be hurt by all that flying fur) outside the party with a slew of witnesses to stage a face-off in my defense before.

so i’m sad (we won’t be home again), sad enough that it keeps catching me off-guard completely breathless (all i ever meant to do was to keep you), & heavy with regret for how it took this kind of pain and shock and fear to wring the truth out of both of us, but i’m hanging on, hanging in, one text-message reassurance, one cup of tea in claire’s kitchen, one fire-dense look across the crowded room at a time. & at the same time i’m feeling more publicly loved—-

“well, i’m going. somebody’s got to teach him that you don’t do that to my sister

—-than i ever have before.

you call us with your silent seas. you call us in our tiny boats
(or let it be your beating heart)
gather us in with the storm, and cast us out upon the shore;
all things beautiful, all things beautiful
i want everything
i want everything
i want everything

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3 responses

13 05 2007
donnickcottage

Brilliant, even in misery. I’d drag a boy in your honor. Just cuz a girl’s honor has to be upheld, and I’m just the ogre to upheld it.

13 05 2007
faerieariel

look at you, putting things into their ugly perspective, and then finding all that beauty in it anyway. You’re my hero.

14 05 2007
threnodyeris

cracker.
good song.
good album.

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