11 09 2007

it’s not just carrying a small-enough-to-be-convenient purse she used to have, one of the few items i commandeered during the purge-and-distribution (we handed a few others out to folks we thought would have a use for them, saved the oldest, most sentimental pieces for her sister, and donated everything else to the salvation army); everything is a reminder.

eight of us went to see cirque’s adapted-for-small-arenas traveling rendition of saltimbanco on friday, and don’t get me wrong, the show was incredible, i had an amazing time, i was awed by the acrobatics, moved my the music, charmed by the company–it was a terrific outing, well worth the money paid and the planning-ahead and etc. etc. etc. and maybe later i’ll find a way to rave about the experience itself, but what’s got me snagged first, what’s in the way is how i can’t yet look at anything in any other way than secondarily itself and firstly a reminder.

we were watching one of robotapocalypse‘s cirque dvd’s at a bbq at his apartment when we started talking about going; this was in early june. lynette had done half the prep-cooking for the grilling-and-chilling going on, sat with me on the sidewalk in the setting sun and john’s clove-smoke telling stories about all the places she and shawn had lived in such quick succession, and was gushing about the circus with us.

when we got tickets a week or so later, we didn’t get her one, because shawn wasn’t interested, and although she certainly could have come without him, she’d have felt bad about the money & wouldn’t have been comfortable trying to find the rendez-vous alone & just didn’t like stuff-without-shawn nearly as much as stuff with shawn. when we got tickets, which was me getting tickets folks paid me back for later, i almost got her one anyway, figuring what the hell, i could solve the logistics. but i didn’t want her to feel bad about the money, and what if she couldn’t get off work that night, and etc., etc., & so i didn’t do it. i regretted that decision, because i knew she’d have loved the show, and she’d have loved being wanted enough for me to have decided for her. i still regret that decision.

if she hadn’t died, i could have given her d’s ticket, which i bought for him before he flaked, and sold to claire instead, to her–although it’s arguable that if she hadn’t died he wouldn’t have flaked, and that would all have gone differently. everything might have gone differently. there’s a whole world full of differentlies that are never going to happen, but i still see–and, christ, if i see them, how does shawn ever see anything else?–their ghosts like the tracings of extra exposures on photographic film everywhere i look. four days after the show, and i’m still counting the paths that could have been taken by the scraps of paper the money bought, in might-have-been worlds that weren’t and never will be. because everything’s a reminder.

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2 responses

11 09 2007
donnickcottage

Every other day I think “man I’d love to tell dad about that” or “mom could cheer me up”. Everything’s a reminder. It gets better. Eventually you’re glad for it.

11 09 2007
faerieariel

“Theres a whole world of differentlies that are never going to happen.” Beautifully spoken. *hugs*

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