irrationally terrified

21 11 2007

as some of you may have noticed, i’ve essentially been hiding under the bed since the beginning of july; i’ve taken a few short, focused, nervous trips to the d.c. area, & one brief dart to boston, but for all intents & purposes i’ve hardly left the neighborhood. i’ve thrown any excuse i can come up with out to keep from leaving the neighborhood. they’ve been legitimate–i’ve had things to do here. i’ve been needed. but also i’ve needed to be doing them, needed to stand still, needed to keep the world small, since i was so rudely jolted into recognizing how very little control i actually have over it. maybe if it’s small enough i can keep anything else from breaking?

“under the bed” is an exaggeration, but only slightly. i’m afraid to leave the neighborhood. when i went to mom’s for winter break last year, i lost a cat. when i went to stopover on my way to OTP, i lost a friend. i know these losses have exactly nothing to do with where i was or with the act of moving around, but it feels like they do. i’m supposed to get on an airplane in the morning, to fly to phoenix to catch up with burny_md and seerofkell & the crew. and by “supposed to” i mean l_stboy says “the plane will be leaving whether you’re on it or not. and you WILL be on it.” i haven’t seen these folks in a year. i really want to see them. i would say i’m looking forward to it, but i’m scared to death of looking forward. i’ve been saying since july, whenever anybody asks me what i’m going to do next, that my future’s 20 minutes long & the most i sketch plans for is 2 days out; beyond that, i’ve given up thinking i know.

getting on a plane in the morning is going to take an act of tremendous faith in the little world i keep trying to control not collapsing if i let go of it. it should be able to run itself without me. i’m not that integral to anything; intellectually i know that. but if i’m not here and it breaks, the blaming-self-forever-ness will be unavoidable. it’s going to take a belief in a future at least 6 days long instead of 2; i’m going to have to believe that i’ll get back and that “back” will still be here waiting. it’s going to take faking trust i don’t have in things–and people–being okay, whatever the hell “okay” means anymore, in the spirals of darkness that crop up still-too-often not picking up enough momentum without me noticing in time to poke sticks between the spokes & stop the tires from spinning. it’s taken me two days to not be packed yet, because i’m afraid of making every minute decision that brings me closer to walking out the door.

this shouldn’t be that hard: put another shirt or two in the bag, set aside a toothbrush, put a couple pens in for journaling, grab the phone charger, QUIT FREAKING OUT. i’ll be getting right on that. any minute now. soon. really. i swear. ::wonders where those wings went:: ::considers the space under the bed instead::

for added perspective: my mattress is on the floor.

Advertisements

Actions

Information

10 responses

21 11 2007
donnickcottage

Have a great time love. We’ll watch the world for you while you’re away.

21 11 2007
donnickcottage

Have a great time love. We’ll watch the world for you while you’re away.

22 11 2007
_aurelius

have a safe trip. and fun. =)

22 11 2007
_aurelius

have a safe trip. and fun. =)

22 11 2007
brcmapgirl

HM. I think you are OVERTHINKING this way too much. You’re being superstitious. Get yourself out there! You’ll have a great time and stop fretting. Bad things happen every day all over the world. You are not the source of it.
Here’s a hug. ::HUG::
Now be brave and follow ‘s advice.
So, if I am around for NYE this year, will there be a low key soiree at your mom’s house again? (yes! I’m fishing!)

22 11 2007
brcmapgirl

HM. I think you are OVERTHINKING this way too much. You’re being superstitious. Get yourself out there! You’ll have a great time and stop fretting. Bad things happen every day all over the world. You are not the source of it.
Here’s a hug. ::HUG::
Now be brave and follow ‘s advice.
So, if I am around for NYE this year, will there be a low key soiree at your mom’s house again? (yes! I’m fishing!)

22 11 2007
jessica_dwg

::hugs::

22 11 2007
jessica_dwg

::hugs::

22 11 2007
pumapreysize

“for added perspective: my mattress is on the floor.”
Thank you for this, T. I’m grimacing in an almost-smile & nodding & knowing & building mini-forts with you in that small, echoey space beneath the mattress. And at least this week, I can urge you on & up & out — there are persimmons to be made into pudding, and out in the desert, there are winds that need to sweep through your hair.
*hugs*

22 11 2007
pumapreysize

“for added perspective: my mattress is on the floor.”
Thank you for this, T. I’m grimacing in an almost-smile & nodding & knowing & building mini-forts with you in that small, echoey space beneath the mattress. And at least this week, I can urge you on & up & out — there are persimmons to be made into pudding, and out in the desert, there are winds that need to sweep through your hair.
*hugs*

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s




%d bloggers like this: