swinging by little threads snags the weave

3 03 2008

life right now =

lots of time spent babysitting caleb b/c his dad’s been sick and claire-the-primary-sitter has been sick, and i have to be back there in just over an hour & need a shower first, so of course i’ve chosen now to post. good thing huge, gigantic, unavoidable waves of cuteness pulse forth from his entire body. also, it’s very calming. you wouldn’t think that, as there are diapers & occasional bouts of loud crying, but he just looks at me, and never expects anything from what he sees in my eyes. i can gaze straight at him for whole minutes, not just the second-and-a-half most people give you before they frown and say “what” like it’s a challenge i might need a sword for. there’s no what. i’m just looking. when people are present, and not farfar away, and not dead, it’s a bit of a miracle. i’m looking while i can.

lots of time spent trying to write, in short little snaggly bursts, interrupted by how my computer is having drama after drama after drama (bios battery is borked, so the time is always wrong & things fall our of sync & quit behaving, tech guys at the shop can’t find a replacement the right size, power cord is loose again so the machine only charges if it sits on its own cord at a weird angle, and since it has no battery life at all (think somewhere around 2 minutes) “charges” = lives-at-all, and spontaneously a few days ago it decided it didn’t want to acknowledge that it had speakers anymore. external speakers work just fine; built-in ones ignore all instructions. it’s going to die out from under me. i know it’s going to die out from under me. i can’t afford a new one this nice, i don’t want to cave & get something crappy, i just want it to work. and most days it does. but with an ever-escalating collection of quirks that serve as warnings.

lots of time angsting over whether my chapter makes sense, how in the world to organize its little disjointed parts, & whether it fits at all with the ones that came before it. plus i don’t know what the next one’s doing. and my oversight committee is shuffling logistical feet again, probably in ways that won’t be a detriment at all, but shifting makes me nervous. i just need to write the paper. i’m trying to write the paper. stop moving the rugs!

lots of time this weekend spent worrying about my friend tammy, who’s in the hospital so sedated & respirator-ed that there’s no visiting and she wouldn’t know anyway. “head-on collision with a school bus” is not a phrase you ever want to hear at all, really, but certainly not related to anyone you know. there’s nothing i can do for now but fret, so i’ve been fretting (and telling her family, who live an hour + north of the hospital, that i’m nearby if they need anything). it’s bad. the good is that there’s lots of family, so that the 5 kids she has at home (including the 2 month old) have plenty of caretakers around. the bad is that it’s really bad, and there’s no telling yet how long recovery will take or how much recovering will be possible. it wasn’t her head, anyway, but it rather was the rest of her. so if you’re the praying type, tammy of the wolf clan can use all the voices she can get.

lots of other time spent hiding under the covers, watching the cat have seizures & fall over, over and over, & worrying about how i’m no more sure than i ever was that i’m equipped to handle the things i’m trying to take care of, that i can actually swim well enough to keep even my head above water, let alone some others around here that i’m always trying to pull up higher higher, and i’m getting tired. and cold. 8 months in this lake is a long time to dog-paddle. but when the shore’s gone, or maybe there never was one–i can’t remember, really, who ever said it was a lake in the first place, what else do you do?

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8 responses

3 03 2008
_aurelius

oh, god. that’s so awful about tammy. horrible horrible horrible.
please keep me updated on how she is.

3 03 2008
_aurelius

oh, god. that’s so awful about tammy. horrible horrible horrible.
please keep me updated on how she is.

3 03 2008
pictsy

I’m sorry to hear about your friend. Having some baby time is wonderful, though.

3 03 2008
pictsy

I’m sorry to hear about your friend. Having some baby time is wonderful, though.

3 03 2008
faerieariel

Sounds a little overwhelming, so thanks goodness for the baby. We don’t see babies much around here, Los Angeles isn’t anti-family per se, but families do tend to stay in their designated areas! Sorry about Tammy, the randomness of it all must be very upsetting for you, but I’m glad you’re able to help. As for the computer, it’s probably time to put it to sleep. Spend the next 60 days planning the transition, and get it over with, or it’s just going to keep being a metaphor in your life (like unlit driveways and holey socks.) The good news is that winter’s almost over, so hang in there 🙂

3 03 2008
faerieariel

Sounds a little overwhelming, so thanks goodness for the baby. We don’t see babies much around here, Los Angeles isn’t anti-family per se, but families do tend to stay in their designated areas! Sorry about Tammy, the randomness of it all must be very upsetting for you, but I’m glad you’re able to help. As for the computer, it’s probably time to put it to sleep. Spend the next 60 days planning the transition, and get it over with, or it’s just going to keep being a metaphor in your life (like unlit driveways and holey socks.) The good news is that winter’s almost over, so hang in there 🙂

3 03 2008
donnickcottage

You’ll be fine lass. You’re one of the best dog paddlers I know.

3 03 2008
donnickcottage

You’ll be fine lass. You’re one of the best dog paddlers I know.

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