a brief observation about my romantic life

6 09 2008

a friend and i watched definitely, maybe this afternoon & found it cute. charming. funny, appealing, well-written, etc. all of the women in the “love story mystery” were engaging and interesting but in different ways; they were all portrayed as reasonable contenders for the ultimate affections of the protagonist without any of them being portrayed as awful–there were no fatal character flaws, no inherent deal-breakers, just different people drifting closer from and nearer to “right” for different reasons. & that was cool–it was a refreshing break from the story of the guy trying to finally come to his damn senses & go after the right girl when it’s so obvious to the audience all along why the others are wrong.

also i appreciate the nested implied endings, so that solving one puzzle doesn’t necessarily finish unwrapping the surprise inside. it’s easy charm, but i liked it. the thing that’s got me all over-thoughtful afterwards is (of course) the like-my-life-stuff, in not exactly “both good ways and bad ways” but more like in one mushy ball of goodandbadway. i’ve always wanted to be april, to play her role relative to the protagonist, to be the best friend he finds his way back to (or does he). always. lots of people do, i suppose, but i know lots of people who either want instead, or at least want some of each but want more to be the college sweetheart he ends up with in the end (or does he) or the mysterious, sophisticated, dark-haired writer-chick who sweeps him off his feet (or does she). i’ve wanted to be april since the 7th grade, when i remember listening to survivor’s “the search is over” and hoping that the boy i liked, who i’d been friends with in 6th grade but we hadn’t noticed each other like that–and he still didn’t notice me like that, and arguably never did (although i think there were a few moments in our mid-20s somewhere)–would someday turn around and realize it had been me all along. i wanted it in high school, i wanted it in college, i wanted it after college…

the part that really messes with me, though, isn’t that it was this sad little pretty-movie pipe-dream that never really happened. what messes with me is that i’ve been april. and not just once; what messes with me is how many times i’ve been april, how many times boys–sometimes different boys, and more than once (ok, more than twice) the same boy–have come back to me and said “it’s you. it’s been you all along.” and then, of course, sometime later (the part where it’s more than one, and more than once, makes this conclusion obvious), they changed their minds, and it turned out that they hadn’t been on the right search after all, or they had some other priorities to attend to & finding me (again) just didn’t fit into them.

i don’t know if that makes me a totally unsuccessful april because it never sticks or a wildly successful april because nobody ever winds up in that role so many times in one life story. i’m sure that i’ve cultivated it somehow, but i’m not sure which how–or which part? do i cultivate the friendships and the rest happens on its own? do i cultivate the repetition by failing to actually be the “you all along” i seem to be?

dunno. this is one of those trains of thought that doesn’t go anywhere in particular, by the way. if you were hoping for a dramatically insightful conclusion, you’re out of luck. but it’s a cute movie, anyway.




2 responses

8 09 2008

dark chocolate grey matter
it’s always a pleasure to read your insights, even the bittersweet.

8 09 2008

dark chocolate grey matter
it’s always a pleasure to read your insights, even the bittersweet.

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