obnoxious

9 02 2009

that’s me right now, in my estimation. not as obnoxious as i could be, because i just successfully resisted the temptation to add the line “as i said in my last email” in a new email, opting instead to just relay the requested information, but still.

best part of my entire day today, or at least best parts of since-leaving-bed this morning: finishing children of dune while logging 15 miles on the recumbent bike, because nothing beats calling reading sci-fi virtuous accomplishment by way of combining it with exercise.

i spent most of the day wanting to stab my eyes out (dolmangar can attest to this, and if you get him to do so, be sure also to verify that he in no way tried to stop me) because i was trying to make head-or-tails (an expression that didn’t used to be dirty… do you remember those days?) out of a committee-member’s comments so as to improve a dissertation chapter-and-a-half, and the whole process anymore just makes me… cidal. oscillating between sui- and homi-, but cidal either way. aiming for the eyes, i thought, was a nice happy medium; it wouldn’t kill me completely, and it wouldn’t hurt anybody else, but i’d also never have to look at them again.

then i finally surrendered for the evening because it was too late to start the next chapter and i need another book to finish it anyway, and i like to start finish-able projects better than i like to chip away at tiny flakes of things that will still be monolithic in the morning, & so moved on to correcting some of my students’ work and sending emails to them. and whadda ya know–all of the cidal tendencies evaporated. it’s amazing, the difference it makes, to be working for something or someone. i soon found that i was disappointed by being out of things to grade or send emails about, however, and faced with the prospect of actually getting out my planbook to write out what i should be doing tomorrow so as not to be all ad-libby in front of my supervisor when she comes in to observe me, i started sinking into surly again, and wandered into the kitchen to eat vegetables instead.

why surly? because i don’t want to write out plans. i want to be brilliantly ad-libby, because i’m good enough that i often can do a tightly-planned-sounding fabulous job with the day’s vague plan wholly off the cuff. because i’m obnoxious.

having said that, of course, i’m going to totally blow it and look like an idiot, and i will totally deserve it. some days i really annoy myself.

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4 responses

10 02 2009
appalachienne

i was thinking just the other day, how lucky a great number of people are that i’ve always been just slightly more suicidal than homicidal. xo

11 02 2009
tyra

we should divert our stabby tendencies toward vegetables & put them to work on your learn-to-cook-local project. and you should be a participant in a CSA this summer–some of the ones ’round here give you a huge discount on your fruits & veggies if you log a set # of hours helping farm for them, and they tend to share recipes for what to do with the things they distribute.

11 02 2009
tyra

we should divert our stabby tendencies toward vegetables & put them to work on your learn-to-cook-local project. and you should be a participant in a CSA this summer–some of the ones ’round here give you a huge discount on your fruits & veggies if you log a set # of hours helping farm for them, and they tend to share recipes for what to do with the things they distribute.

10 02 2009
appalachienne

i was thinking just the other day, how lucky a great number of people are that i’ve always been just slightly more suicidal than homicidal. xo

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