family drama escalation = cancelation

18 01 2010

nevermind. dad’s single again. no more step-whatevers. turns out six or eight years into that relationship was still too soon for me to bother meeting them. and folks wonder why my peers and i are so good at making such hash out of relationships. for me, considering, i’ve been trying to practice saying “no,” although sometimes i think it’s coming out sounding like “not today” or “unlikely” or some other less absolute magic-8-ball deferment instead. apparently i need more practice; this should not, after all, be a difficult skill to master. everybody else seems a ruddy expert.

it takes a second to say goodbye, say goodbye, say goodbye

but in brighter news, i’m home, my car wasn’t under any snow at all, the cat (well fed, watered, warmed, and tormented-by-Dexter) is snugly back on his own couch, my school-books are packed, my copies should be in my mailbox, my rosters are printed, and i get to meet three new classes of students tomorrow!

road-tripping up to Arlington & Fort Worth went well–lots of flat-land scenery along the highway and a house full of nostalgia and yippy dogs and warm conversation at the end of it. my grandfather is amazing, and i’d love to prattle on about why, but i’m not doing a very good job of finding words at the moment–i absorbed a lot of detail that i don’t know how to sketch yet, and i can’t find my sense of audience, and i re-read illusions in one ten-mile stint on the exercise bike this afternoon, doing my homework b/c i’ve given out another copy and that makes a fine excuse, so the concrete particulars of the gold-flecked ornamentation in his wallpaper are overrun by pithy tidbits from “the messiah’s handbook.”

your conscience is a measure of the honesty of your selfishness. listen to it carefully.

somebody decode that one for me, willya? i know why it’s hung itself around my neck, but i’m not sure i understand how to measure dishonest selfishness. in any case, sleep will be welcome–i woke yesterday in Arlington, added a 3+ hour car-ride to Austin, the making of a last batch of guacamole to share with dad and his mom in the just-in-time 60s sunshine, various airport idling opportunities, a 3 hour plane to DC (where there’s still snow on the ground), another hour+ plane back to Syracuse (where there’s more snow on the ground) for a midnight bedtime before a day of last-minute class planning, grocery shopping, nesting, more dog-walking (i didn’t have time to miss it!), and very soon collapsing ’til it’s time to pop up in the morning & gather my wits about me to go shape some new formative minds.




3 responses

19 01 2010

>>>>i’ve been trying to practice saying “no,” …everybody else seems a ruddy expert.
I’ve been working on this one somewhat myself, to not waffle as much in an effort not to disappoint others or limit the possibilities, or… But sometimes to get to what i want i have to deny others what they want, and it is better to do that right off rather than try to pretend that i’m willing to put their happiness above my own buy backing down or waffling. i’m not very good at telling people things i think they don’t want to hear though.
your conscience is a measure of the honesty of your selfishness. listen to it carefully.
um, i think see some of the above on saying no. Also knowing what you want and not pretending enjoyment, interest, etc in order to make things ‘okay’ over all, instead of working to make them genuinely okay. Knowledge of what you like/don’t like and especially honesty about _why_, even if it’s a stupid reason. Maybe?

19 01 2010

Maybe “honesty of your selfishness” is supposed to mean “honesty with yourself about your selfishness,” which makes a lot more sense.

20 01 2010

yuck on the relationship front. as good of a decision as that might be (provided the prior writing on the springer-esk blow-up), it’s still not a fun or easy one to live through. (easy to make a decision doesn’t necessarily mean easy to live with said decision)
“your conscience is a measure of the honesty of your selfishness. listen to it carefully.”
As for the quote… I’d say it might be saying that it’s important to listen to what it is that you genuinely need. As much as that isn’t selfish, it is sometimes perceived as such or felt as though it is selfish. However, without listening to and meeting one’s own needs, it is impossible to fully meet those of anyone else. And how selfish is that? =)
Welcome back! You’ve been missed =)

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